Running Without Being Chased...

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

2010-11-16T16:29:00.000-05:00

What comes to mind when you think of the term ‘Stepmother’? I’ll tell you what comes to my mind…younger woman who replaces an aging mother and wife; breaking apart the happy family and stealing the husband and father away. Evil. Home wrecker. Unfair. Rules with an iron fist. Unloving. Caustic.

I became a step mom at a young age; 23 years old to be exact. My stepdaughter was 7 and my stepson was 5 years old. The Detective was 31 at the time were married and that made me the younger woman. He was reeling from a failed marriage and the guilt he felt was still fresh when it came to his 2 young children. I was in college, just learning to be independent and barely out of my own parents house. I had gone from living alone in an apartment, going out whenever and where ever I wanted to being a wife and a mother figure to boot. I had no clue what I was doing. Far from the picture of evil maliciousness; I was just a kid myself. It was like Smurfette trying to fit in with the cast from Guiding Light. I was outnumbered and quite frankly; outwitted.

Over the course of 4 or 5 years we gradually became a bonded family. We adjusted at what seemed at the time to be a ridiculously slow rate but looking back it was pretty average. I had moments of intense happiness when I would get a hug from one of the kids to moments of incredibly dark sadness when one of them would scream at me that “You aren’t my mom!” or “I hate you!”. I hated myself sometimes too. I hated that I had thought for one second that I was smart enough or confident enough to be a step mom.

When we would go somewhere as a family and people would refer to me as the kids “mom” it was inevitable that someone would correct them. I look nothing like the rest of my family anyhow, they being blond and light and me, being brunette and dark. After a few years, I was able to joke around and say that people took me for their nanny. When people would find out that I was their step mom they sometimes struggled to hide their surprise. I could practically hear the thoughts running through some women’s heads as they stepped back and clutched their own children and husband to their side; like I was some temptress that had come to steal away their families if they looked away for 5 seconds.

It was hard enough to have outsiders react that way when they found out what my title was. I felt like I was an afterthought within my own family too. It was years before I felt that I actually belonged. I had to make a conscious decision to become part of my family. There were many times I built walls up that harmed me, my husband and my stepchildren. It’s hard to love someone else’s children as if they were your own because you are reminded everyday that they are not yours. You have no power to make decisions for them. You have no right to them in any way. You can sacrifice everything and give your entire self to them and you will never be anything more than their “other mother”. The other woman. The home wrecker. No matter how incorrect that assumption might be; it seems to always be the first thought for the average person.

I’ll tell you what though…I wouldn’t change a thing. I love my step kids. They have helped form who I am as a person and as a parent.

Bonus: I haven’t given either of them a poison apple OR enchanted them so that they pricked their finger on a deadly spinning wheel on their 16th birthday. Then again, my youngest stepchild is only 15 so I still have time to live up to that “Evil Stepmother” title.

Love And Marriage

2010-10-27T01:37:00.013-04:00

Today is October 27th, 2010. That's 9 years since the day that The Detective and I were married.

In the last 9 years so much has happened. We went from being 23 and 31 year olds to a 32 and 40 year old. In between the years passing we bought our first home together, dealt with a job change and then a lay off and then another job with terrible hours, we met new friends and said good-bye too early to some...we created a beautiful little girl together, and we learned what it was like to co-parent a young man and a young lady who grew up too fast and left us hoping that we gave them just enough freedom balanced with just enough boundries to keep them feeling secure in themselves and in us.

The Detective went from only knowing how to cook Hamburger Helper to knowing how to cook Hamburger Helper AND tacos. I went from having to kill spiders myself to having HIM kill spiders...while I run screaming from the room, of course.

Oh, how we've grown! *sigh*

Happy Anniversary to the man that annoys me the least...most of the time. *grin*

Be Yourself. Those Who Mind Don't Matter And Those Who Matter Won't Mind.

2010-10-12T13:00:00.001-04:00

A conversation with an old friend today got me thinking about how very difficult it is to just be myself. you read that right: It's hard sometimes to just be me. Plain old me. As I get older though, I've found that it's become easier and easier to be myself. As I chatted back and forth with my friend about some insecurities he was having; I found myself telling him to just be himself.

"Just be yourself. You're great."

It sounds so simple but in reality it's as easy as trying to put a 2 year old down for a nap after you've fed him a chocolate bar and a gallon of Mountain Dew. Almost impossible. Unless you have patience and accept that it's not always smooth sailing.

I have some close friends who love me and my quirks. Like the fact that I laugh too loud, make strange Tourettes pterodactyl sounds, and support me through every single one of my strange obsessions. These are the people who have been with me long enough to see the real me...the me that I keep under wraps upon meeting new people for fear that they won't like who I truly am.

I was recently slapped in the face , hypothetically of course, with the fact that I don't come off as a friendly person. ME?! I always thought that I was friendly, polite...but I was told by someone that I just recently met that I come off as stand-offish...mean, even. They rushed on to tell me that that couldn't have been farther from the truth but the damage was already done.

Wow. I have to admit...my feelings were hurt. I wasn't upset with this person in any way but I was upset with myself. It had taken me 32 years to get to a point where I felt confident and comfortable with myself and it took 30 seconds to destroy that foundation that I struggled to build. I know that the person telling me this wasn't trying to hurt me but...it stung. I obsessed over this for days. I asked The Detective over and over again what I had done to make that impression on people....

"Maybe it's because it takes you a while to really open up to new people?"

I don't know the answer to that, I don't know if I ever will. What I do understand now is how wrong a first impression of someone can be and how insecurities about revealing your true self can be such burdens. It brings to mind the old saying: "Don't judge a book by it's cover."

I can't change my "cover" but I have a pretty good story to tell if you just give me a chance. This experience has taught me that I need to slow down with my assumptions about other people....everyone should.

Above all else: "Be yourself! Those who mind don't matter and those who matter won't mind!"

Sushi, Shenanigans, and Surprises

2010-10-06T15:06:00.000-04:00

While I was out on the beautiful East coast, I was surprised by some of my wonderful, supportive, and beautiful friends. This group of friends is very special to me. We met just a mere 1 year or so ago on a fitness website called My Fitness Pal. It was then that I was invited to joint their private and very privileged email list. We go back and forth during the day about a plethora....yes, I just used the word 'plethora'...of subjects ranging from the serious to the not-even-close-to-serious. These girls have been my lifeline and my confidants. The one catch?

We all live in different states, for the most part.

We had never met face to face and I had never even talked to any of them on the phone. Crazy, eh?

I made plans with one of my girls on the email list to meet for dinner prior to one of my shows this past weekend. We even had shirts made up that said: "Sushi and Shenanigans Boston 2010"! I had them printed by a local friend here in Michigan. So, imagine my surprise when I walk into the restaurant and see not just my one friend but FOUR of my friends from our email group! The added bonus to the whole thing was that they were all wearing the SAME EXACT shirt that I had ordered and had printed up. How? They started arranging to meet up the minute that I made my plans, they contacted my friend who printed up the shirts and arranged for him to secretly send them extras.

They are evil genius's. One of the many reasons that I'm friends with them.

Meeting them in person just solidified how much I adore them; to meet them was a gift that I will cherish forever. For them to go out on a limb and arrange this surprise meeting was wonderful. I mean, for all they knew, I could have been an ax murderer, right?

I'm not.

Yet.

Thank you, girls. I will never be able to express how much that surprise meant to me.

No Autographs, Please...

2010-10-05T11:51:00.000-04:00

Expressing Motherhood Boston 2010 Cast

This past week I travelled to Boston, Massachusetts...Cambridge, to be exact...with my partner in crime, Kendra, to perform in a stage show called Expressing Motherhood.

It was amazing to say the very least. We met women from all walks of life who had stories about motherhood that they shared not only with our small group of mommies but with about 600 people over the course of the shows 3 day run.

Farrah told us about a not-so-perfect relationship that she had with her own mother and how, after having a child of her own, she now understands what her mom meant when she said "You will understand when you have your own children."

Alison explained how even though her baby was the "moose of the NICU" she was still shaken to the core and no matter how careful you are with your planning, a baby tends to throw all of those plans out the window.

Jody told the story of her own mom and what a beacon of light she was. She explained how blessed she feels to be able to say that she's "becoming" her mother.

Julie shared the story of her difficulty conceiving in a light hearted manner. She made us laugh through our tears with her wit and wisdom about the many methods that she tried and how they were all worth it in the end.

Angela went out on a limb and told us a story of what true faith is.

Robin taught us that the world of teenage girls isn't always pretty and that being a "victim Sherpa" to her "cute young abuser" is something that we can look back on...eventually...and laugh.

Caitlin painted a picture of her little boy who held his breath and her attempt to stay calm while he did.

Sher got straight to the point when she said "Why didn't anyone tell me how hard this would be?!" Through wit and humor she states: "Motherhood is a damn bitch." What mom hasn't thought that before?

Andrea shared her story of love after loss. This was a healing journey for her.

Chris defined motherhood in a way that encompasses every emotion, every thought that I have for my children. "As moms, we find the deepest part of our children's soul and dive right in." Yes, Chris, we do.

Elizabeth weaved a portrait of a sick baby and the ache of a mother's heart. She taught us that fear should never define us.

'Mother' is defined by Webster's Dictionary as:
a : a female parent b (1) : a woman in authority; specifically : the superior of a religious community of women (2) : an old or elderly woman

This seems much too simple of a definition to me...mothers are so much more, don't you agree?

Everything Is Better With Bacon

2010-09-15T15:15:00.000-04:00

That's right, folks! It's another irregular installment of "What I found on the Internet today!" and this time it's something that all of us love...BACON!

First, we have my personal favorite: Bacon Lip balm:

Now, the main problem I see with this product is that your lips would smell like bacon. I, personally, cannot resist bacon and might end up chewing my lips off which would be really inconvenient if you think about it.

Our next bacon themed product we have is Gummy Bacon!

The issue I have with this particular bacon themed product is the fact that it's strawberry flavored. Why would you develop gummy bacon and make it taste like strawberries?!? It's just wrong...it goes against everything I believe in.

Finally, we have the Bacon Air Freshener. Mmmmmm...smells like bacon, baby.

The only flaw I found with this bacon novelty is the fact that it isn't flavored as well as scented like the delicious bacon that it represents...I suppose we can't always get everything that we want though.

Remember: Enjoy your bacon responsibly!

Overwhelmed

2010-09-13T18:12:00.000-04:00

I read somewhere that about 70% of moms work outside of the home.

70 freaking percent.

I'm no math genius but that's most of us, right? Answer me this question:

Why do I feel so alone then?

I mean, if most of us mamas are working a job outside of the home then doesn't that make us the majority? Why is it like searching in the proverbial haystack for a needle to try and find another working mom to be friends with? Why am I surrounded by stay at home moms and dads at the bus stop every morning talking about which volunteer oportunity they're going to be doing that day at their childs school?

It's seriously like a game of *cue music* "Which one of these things is not like the other?"

After the bus comes and picks up our children, the stay at homes turn as a group and walk home while talking about what new cupcake recipe that they're using or how they need to make sure that they get little Mary to her Japanese lesson on time that afternoon. I turn the opposite direction, knowing that I won't get to lay my eyes on my precious child for at least 9 hours. It's like the Star-Bellied Sneetch's and the Plain-Bellied Sneetch's....and I'm missing a star.

The Sprite pointed out to me, when I was venting to her, that I would go insane if I stayed home. She reminded me of the time I was laid off for about 2-3 months and how I was ready to run screaming into the hills. She also pointed out that I'm not a bad mom for working because that isn't how being a "good mom" or a "bad mom" is defined. Just because I work does not mean I love my child any less.

It seems to me that most media is focused on the stay at home variety of parent. It's rare to read an article about a mom who works outside of the home. It seems it's socially acceptable and even encouraged for stay at home moms to "need a drink" but nothing seems to be said about how work outside the home moms never stop working either. Why would a woman who works outside of the home complain? They have their "break" by going to work.

Break? I don't think so.

I hate every minute of seperation from my daughter. I stress and worry that something will happen and I won't be able to get to her fast enough because I have to drive from the office I work at. I feel like my life is almost constant chaos...there's never enough time to get what needs to be done, done. Am I a failure for having to work outside the home? I think sometimes that I am. My house isn't ever as picked up as I want it to be. I don't play enough with my daughter. I'm always tired. The detective doesn't get enough attention from me. My clothes are never put away and dinner is always late because of my schedule.

In the end though, I just hope that my little girl knows how very, very much I love her...even if the dishes aren't always done.

Anybody Ever Feel Like This After A Visit To The Doctor?

2010-09-02T17:11:00.001-04:00

Thanks Natalie Dee for you kick arse comic!

I have a stomach issue so of course I waited a few months before I went to the doctor to ask about it.

"It's probably an ulcer but we'll take blood and give you this prescription in the meantime."

Awesome...I've always wanted a collection of ulcers. Uh huh.

Sometimes whatever ailment I have seems like a better option than what a prescription drug to cure said ailment does for me. The Detective asked me about the side effects also and he followed up his questions by saying:

"Just trying to see if you could expect mood swings, nightmares, visits from the afterlife, battles with Satan, etc..."

I think he forgot that what he described was just a normal day for me.

Things That I Wish I Had The Nads To Say...

2010-08-19T17:49:00.000-04:00

1. You have something in your teeth. It's been there since last week.

2. Stay out of my personal space. When you get too close to me I feel very stabby.

3. Stop letting someone else define who you are. It's very unattractive.

4. Leave him.

5. Treat your children as if they were precious not disposable.

6. I hate you so much that I can't even look at your car without throwing up in my mouth a little.

7. I don't want to act my age.

8. I hate that I can hate someone.

9. I would rather chew glass than eat your cooking.

10. I know you pooped in my bathroom and used all the toilet paper.

Who Doesn't LOVE The Beginning Of A New School Year?!? Um...ME.

2010-08-12T12:36:00.001-04:00

I came to the realization the other day that school is about to resume. Where in the hizzle did the summer go?! This means that I'm going to have to wake up AT LEAST an hour earlier to get myself and my little love muffin ready and out the door in time.

I'm talking about my daughter, y'all...The Detective has been dressing himself on his own for years now.

My sweet princess is not much of a "sweet princess" in the morning either. I think she gets that from me because I can be quite a dragon in the wee hours of the start of a new day. Hard to believe, I know. Our mornings during the school year go something like this:

Me: (to my bundle of joy) "Wakey, wakey shaky bakey!"

Meg: *grumble*

Me: "Time to go to school! Yay! Let's not be late, sweetie!" *shaking Meg gently*

Meg: *her eyes fly open and glow red for a second just prior to screaming* "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL! I'm tired..."

Me: "C'mon Meg! Get up and get dressed! We're late!"

Meg: *growling* "NO!" *squirmflipfalloutofbedflop*

Me: *pulling pajamas off Meg* "Yes...you...are...going...now get over here and get dressed NOW!"

At this point I'm sweating and my work clothes are wrinkled. Most times I have a run in my stockings also. Megan is dressed though so SCORE!

Like the pack mule that I am, I deposit everything needed for her day and mine in the car. I get her hooked up and as I'm pulling out of the driveway she says:

"I have to go potty!"

Awesome. I love school.

Operation Beautiful

2010-08-05T15:03:00.000-04:00

A wonderful friend of mine shared this idea and link with me today: Operation Beautiful. The tag line reads:

"Transforming the way you see yourself one post-it note at a time."

I love this idea so much that I had to share it with as many people as I could! You know I immediately threw a pen and a pad of post-it notes in my purse to do this. That's just how I roll, people. Here is an example of a note left in a random spot:

Who doesn't adore compliments?

The one place that I've decided against posting them is in or on a bathroom stall. I am ALL ABOUT making people smile but if I'm riding the porcelain throne; I don't want to see a note that screams "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL! YOU CAN DO IT! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!" while I'm dropping the kids off at the pool. Know what I mean?

One Reason My Daughter Is So Strange

2010-07-30T13:02:00.001-04:00

I didn't get to hear this conversation first hand, unfortunately, but The Sprite (remember the Sprite...my bestie and running partner?) told me about it after the fact.

Scene: Megan just got home from gymnastics and is still in her leotard. She's playing in the front yard with the neighbor kids. The adults are standing nearby talking. The Sprite's brother in law, we'll call him Bobo, is there and says to Megan who is wearing her leotard:

Bobo: "Hey, Meg...are you leotarded?"

Meg: *blank stare* (She learned that from her mama...)

Just one of the many examples of how my friends and I have managed to warp my daughter into the weirdo she is today.

Everyone Loves Cookies!

2010-07-28T16:14:00.000-04:00

Observe: The Fetus Cookie Cutter

Just think how cute this little fetus cookie cutter would be at your next oh...baby shower or bake sale!

The finished product! I would personally frost them pink and give them a red licorice umbilical cord. Nothing says "eat us!" more than a sugar cookie shaped as a fetus.

*retch*

Excessive Peppiness Makes Me Want To Punch Puppies

2010-07-28T11:38:00.000-04:00

Seriously.

Have you ever had one of those days or even weeks when you're just tired or grumpy or perhaps both? I happen to be having one of those this very week!

Well, for some reason there seems to be some kind of gravitational pull or Newton's Law or full moon or some crap happening that makes me a freaking magnet for shiny, happy people. Gosh it makes me want to just scream! What is it about me that makes people want to say things like:

Peppy Person: "How are you today?!"

Me: *blank stare*

Peppy Person: (Ignoring my stare of death) "I'm just super! My life is perfect...I just got a promotion and a corner office with floor to ceiling windows....my husband was just nominated for Mr. sexy-sensitive-let's-me-sleep-in-while-he-takes-care-of-the-kids-and-cooks-gourmet-dinners-and-gives-me-foot-massages-without-expecting-sex. OH! Did I mention that I just got all new furniture and lost 40 pounds and received Botox?! I DID!"

Me: *crawling under my desk*

It's times like this when I wish I had a trap door in front of my desk that opened to a vat of angry alligators. Just the push of a button and.....ahhhhhh...peace and quiet.

What are these people on?!? More importantly...where can I get some?

And The Hits Keep Comin'...

2010-07-21T12:57:00.001-04:00

Megan: "Mama, did you know that Nicole has fake toenails on?"

Me: "Yes, sweetie."

Megan: "That's just freaky...."

Yes, yes it is.

The "F" Bomb

2010-07-20T18:01:00.000-04:00

Megan and I are standing in the kitchen last night and she starts singing the song "I Want To Be A Billionaire"...you know the song? No?

There's a line in it that says: "I want to be a billionaire so fricking bad..."

Only *I* always thought that the guy says: "I want to be a billionaire so f*ck!ng bad..."

Yes, I know, I'm charming AND ladylike all at the same time.

And that's EXACTLY what I thought Megan said...my 7 year old pretty, pretty princess dropped the freaking "F" bomb right in front of me.

That's the moment that I ran fuming to the garage in search of The Detective for an explanation of exactly WHY my pretty, pretty princess just said above mentioned word. To which he replied...through laughter, I might add...that the song does not drop the bomb but in fact says "fricking".

Oh.

Well, that's bad enough for me. Let's just say she will not be repeating the "F" bomb or any form of the "F" bomb ever again.

Adventures with Thing 1 and Thing 2 or The Rose Run 2010

2010-07-19T13:58:00.001-04:00

The 2nd annual Rose Run was awesome, everyone! There were several more runners/walkers this year than last which means more support for The Breast Cancer Research Foundation! Just like last year, there was a beautiful balloon release as the starting gun went off and in my mind I could imagine Rose looking down on our small town of Petersburg, smiling and shaking her head saying: "All this because of me?" That's just how she was for those of you who didn't have the honor of knowing her personally.

How did *I* do? Hmm...it was so hot that day that I have now seriously started to consider having the sweat glands removed from my armpits. Yes, I just said that. I do not glisten, folks...I sweat like Kwame Kilpatrick when someone mentions strippers named Strawberry. Uh-huh.

Pair the humidity and heat with two 7 year olds named Thing 1 (Meg, my daughter) and Thing 2 (Nate, my nephew) and you have a recipe for disaster. After about the first 1/2 mile my lovely, athletic daughter starts whining about how hot she is, if we're close to being done, how she's tired, and how she needs to eat RIGHT now because she's "eeee-sausted". Meanwhile my nephew decides that I cannot live one more second without knowing, IN DETAIL, how many scabs he's had in his lifetime and how they occurred. The boy can talk. FAST.

At this point, I look over and see my little sister...Nate's mom....shouting out the times as we run by mile marker 1. Yes, you read that right....MILE MARKER FREAKING 1. This is a 5K y'all. I have 2.1 more miles to go with Thing 1 and Thing 2 and I've already started to consider what would happen if I just broke into a sprint and left them behind. I mean, it's a small town. Everyone knows who they belong to, right? RIGHT??

*sigh*

I think I vaguely remember telling Meg to "suck it up" and asking Nate to "Please slow down the chatter"....to which he responded by literally slowing down his chatter. No matter what age men seem to be literal creatures, eh? At that point, Meg turned into a floppy spaghetti noodle and was almost run over by the golf cart that was herding the runners through the course. Great.

I sure do love those little critters but I have NEVER been so happy to see a finish line in my life, people.

The 2nd Annual Rose Run 5K

2010-07-14T11:13:00.001-04:00

It's that time of the year again....Community Day and The Rose Run is THIS Saturday! For those of you who don't know what that is; it's a 5K that was started last year in honor of my friend's mother, Rose, who lost her battle with breast cancer in January of 2009. Last year, my hometown of Petersburg Michigan, raised over $10,000.00 for breast cancer research and this year promises to be bigger and better. This is the run that inspired me to start running...this year has been sporadic running at best but still...Here is a link to one of my very first blog posts explaining why I started running and blogging.

The Detective will be running this year also. I've chosen to be a more social creature and run/walk this year.

STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT. It's not that I can't run it...I'm just choosing to keep myself from being a sweaty mess of stink since I have to work at a booth after the run for Expressing Motherhood.

SO SUE ME.

Anyone interested in a 5K that lives near southeast Michigan is welcome to come out and register the day of the run, Saturday, July 17th! For more information go to: www.theroserun.com

I Just Drank WHAT?!?

2010-07-07T13:50:00.000-04:00

Mountain Dew has brominated vegetable oil in it.

That's vegetable oil with a twist of the element bromine added to it. Brominated vegetable oil is added to citrus flavored drinks to keep fat-soluble flavors (YUM!) suspended in the beverage and to produce a cloudy appearance.

I just drank vegetable oil mixed with fat-soluble flavors!

Seriously?

I will NEVER drink another Moutain Dew for as long as I live. NEVER.

Did you hear that PepsiCo?!? DID YOU?!?

Please excuse me while I go cleanse my system with copious amounts of vegetable oil free WATER.

Diary Of An Insomniac

2010-06-30T10:30:00.000-04:00

11:30pm: Climb into bed and even though I'm incredibly tired I lay there and stare at the ceiling.

12:01am: I swear at this point I can hear a Mourning Dove just outside my window...I realize it's just the Detective breathing through is nose as he slumbers. Elbow Detective to try and shut him up. He grunts and rolls over. I continue to stare at the ceiling.

2:30am: I look at the clock and realize that I got a bit of sleep...I think. Feeling proud, I close my eyes and...nothing. I'm awake again.

2:45am: SLEEPSLEEPSLEEPSLEEPSLEEPSLEEP...the chant running through my head. Toss, turn...my arm goes numb...I move that and realize that my legs have been moving so much that I might as well be running laps laying down. The Detective starts snoring...loudly as if to mock my inability to fall asleep...I kick him. Hard. He snores louder.

3:30am: OH MY GOSH I HAVE TO WORK IN THE MORNING. GO TO SLEEP! Ponder what needs to be done at work...think about blog subjects...immediately forget everything that I was thinking about because I'm delirious from lack of sleep.

6:30am: I must have blacked out for a while. The sun is coming up. I stand up and go to the bathroom. I look at my reflection in the mirror and realize that I could pack my entire wardrobe in the bags under my eyes. Sexy.

7:00am: Alarm. Snooze.

7:10am: Alarm. Snooze.

7:20am: Alarm. Snooze.

7:30am: The Detective gets up, gets ready for work. As he's leaving he says to me: "Make sure you wake up for the next alarm!" Consider locking him a room with an angry weasel. Grin evilly.

9:00am: Arrive at work. Co-worker says: "You look tired!" Picture co-worker falling into a hole.

If I don't get some sleep soon I'm probably going to end up in jail.

I Can Now Officially Say: "When I Was Your Age..." And Be Completely Serious

2010-06-23T16:53:00.001-04:00

My stepdaughter just graduated from high school. It's funny to see the look on people's faces when we let it slide that she's my biological daughter. I'm a little more than 8 years younger than her father so I would have had to be velly, velly young to have actually birthed her.

They look at me with slight revulsion that practically screams: "You must have been a real skank as a kid."

Then they look at her with an expression of something like sympathy, because of her trampy "mom",

Good times. *smirk*

It's better than the multiple times people have mistaken me for their nanny but that can wait for another time. You don't think I'm serious but I am. My family, including my actual biological daughter are all very light and blond and I am not light nor blond at all. I guess when I eventually snap and run screaming: "Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?!?!"...then people will actually believe me. BONUS!

So, this leads me to the oldest woman-child that is living under my roof.

SHE. GRADUATED. HIGH SCHOOL.

She is beautiful and driven and amazing. I met her for the very first time when she was 7 years old. She was beautiful and driven and amazing then, too. I have witnessed her go through the stages that we all go through as we grow and adjust.

She tested me as a young child when she was torn in between being loyal to her mother and loving me...she didn't grasp back then that she could love both of us. She grew into a feisty teenager that at times made me want to rip my hair out as she stomped up the stairs and slammed her door to her room. She brought tears of joy to my eyes as I watched that same young woman walk across a stage not 2 weeks ago and accept her high school diploma. I continue to watch her test her wings on a daily basis. I adore this girl. She makes me laugh and think and pray every single day.

She is going to give this world a run for it's money and I love it.

I also love the fact that I can look at her and say: "When I was your age..." and I see the same expression in her eyes that I gave my mom so many years ago.

Thank you for sharing your love with me, Nicole. Always remember who you are.

You Love Me! You REALLY Love Me!

2010-06-17T16:48:00.007-04:00

Thank you, April, from A Writer's Ramblings for the award!

Thanks also to Tabitha from Tales of a Tubby Tabby!

Now, here's the fine print yada, yada, yada....

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you this award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Pass the award along to 15 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic for whatever reason! (In no particular order...)

4. Contact the bloggers you've picked and let them know about the award.

It's on like donkey kong! Here are 7 things about me that you may or may not wish to know.

1. I'm obsessed with books. If books were people then they would get a protection order against me, I swear.

2. My favorite ice cream is Superman...I don't even know what flavor it is. I think that if heaven was flavored then it would be Superman flavor.

3. I have 2 pet rats; Chunk and Dale. Why not Chip and Dale, you ask? Because my 7 year old named them and she didn't think 'Chip' flowed well. Que sera.

4. I was 2 weeks overdue with my daughter. I thought she was going to walk out of my womb she was in there so long.

5. I hate go-carting. If I wanted to strap myself onto a sweat scented sheet of metal with wheels and drive around in circles then I'd call a cab and let someone else do the driving at least.

6. My all time favorite movie is Tommy Boy and I'm able to quote it in it's entirety. No matter how many times I see it, I laugh until I cry. Since having my daughter 7 years ago, sometimes I pee a little too.

7. I told you that you may or may NOT want to know these things. Don't say you weren't warned...

I bestow this humble award to the following Lords and Ladies:

This Complicated Life

Sarah Cunningham

The Meanest Mom

Vodka Mom

I Hate So Much...

More Is Better

Swan White Curtain

Strength of a Rose

Carolyn...Online

Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder

I'm Not Benny

Classy Chaos

Scary Mommy

Undomestic Diva

Smacksy

The Beginning of the End

2010-06-14T16:25:00.000-04:00

I haven't updated about my HCG journey lately and I'm almost DONE. I started off thinking that I'd do this for 20 days or so and I ended up doing 40. I cheated here and there so I probably could have lost more and as of late I feel myself being sucked into the whole "I want to eat like a normal person again or I'm going to cook my children and devour them" mode. Get my drift?

That being said, I did pretty darn good. I lost, as of today, 17 pounds and I'm trying to squeak out another 4-5 pounds before this week ends and I'm finished with this round. I'll then take 6 weeks off to recover and exercise and then I'll do another round...probably 20 days. At that point I should be so stinking hot that Heidi Klum will be jealous. *wink*

I'm glad that I decided to take my chances on this diet. I'm so happy with the results. Even though I wanted to kill and eat my family several times during this...it was all worth it. I have been wearing shorts this summer. SHORTS. I haven't worn shorts in about oh, 2 or 3 years. I do need a tan though.

Desperately.

I'm positively day-glo.

I also found some confidence that I had lost right around the time I gained all that extra weight. People have been commenting that I look better and asking if I've lost weight. That's always helpful but I'm glad that I'll be taking a break to focus on maintaining the weight loss and building some muscle.

You'll have to excuse me while I go tell my family that it's ok to come out of the panic room now...I'll be eating normally in just a few days...

No, That's Just Wrong

2010-06-09T14:00:00.000-04:00

I love chocolate just as much...if not MORE...than the next person.

But this?

This is just gross.

Conversations

2010-06-08T15:02:00.000-04:00

Me: What’s up? How’s your spider man band aid holding up?

Tab: fine. I fell a week ago and scraped up my ankle. I was using normal band aids, but I upgraded to Spider man last night!

Me: Was it a random fall or a purposeful fall?

Tab: wtf PURPOSEFUL FALL? Who does that? I was wearing flip flops the day after it rained and fell down some stairs that had water on them because I'm slightly stupid.

Me: DIDN’T YOU READ THE ARTICLE I SENT EVERYONE ABOUT HOW FLIP FLOPS ARE GOING TO KILL US ALL?!?

Here: Killer Flip Flops

I don’t know, I guess you could purposely fall if there was an explosion and you were trying to save someone from falling debris by throwing yourself on top of them. Was there an explosion of some sort? What? Don’t judge me.

Tab: *silence*

Has Anyone Else Ever Felt This Way?

2010-06-08T14:39:00.000-04:00

The Cabinets Will Give Me a Nervous Breakdown~Natalie Dee

Lucky

2010-06-07T17:33:00.001-04:00

Tornado's ripped through the corner of the world that most of my family and friends live in early Sunday morning. I spent most of late Saturday night through early Sunday morning in my basement with my husband, children, and pets watching the local news channel and praying that a funnel cloud would not touch down in our area. Watching the weather radar flash across the television screen was an eerie reminder of how fragile day to day life can be.

Around 2:00 in the morning, the news station declared that the danger had passed by our area and we went back upstairs and fell into a fitful sleep.

The next morning, we woke up to the news that the city of Dundee, Michigan, which is just south of us, had been devastated by a tornado. It tore through the small area ripping off roofs and tearing trees up by the roots like they were nothing but bits of paper. The government has declared the area in a state of emergency.

My parents, sister, nephew, and several close friends live just minutes away from Dundee. The small farming community where I grew up...just miles from the damage.

The tornado's also hit an area in Ohio that was very near the area that many of my other family and friends live. It was like the storms were playing hopscotch with these communities. Images like this haunt the news:

Dundee, Michigan McDonald's sign

Dundee, Michigan home damage

My heart and soul ache for those that have been impacted by these storms. When things happen like this, it makes everything else seem very trivial. I watched video of some of the damage and the entire time my stomach was in knots.

If there is one thing that I know, these towns will come back stronger than ever. Why do I know this? Because I grew up in a town just like the ones that were hit by these storms. They have heart and guts. They don't ever give up hope. They will pull themselves up by the bootstraps, do what needs to be done, and go on. That's just the way it is in a small town.

"Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.”~Thich Nhat Hanh

The Bok Choy Is Going To Kill Me

2010-06-04T13:02:00.000-04:00

No, I'm not speaking in code.

The bok choy is LITERALLY going to kill me if I ever eat it again.

As it turns out, I may have an allergy to bok choy.

What is bok choy, you ask? It's Chinese cabbage and it's pretty yummy. I bought some for the first time yesterday and I decided to add it to a soup I was making. I nibbled a bit on it then. Not an hour later I was clawing and scratching at my skin...covered in hives. My arms, legs, back, and neck looked like Freddy Kruger had just given me an all over exfoliation with his razor fingernails.

At the time, I made no connection to the itchiness and the bok choy. Today, I ate the soup with the bok choy in it and my skin is crawling with burning itch. Attractive, no?

Apparently, bok choy is toxic to humans in large quantities which makes me think that some people may have a sensitivity to it even in small quantities. Like maybe, ME. How completely random is that? It's CABBAGE for pete's sake!

Bok choy = EVIL.

"I Don't Understand A Word You Jist Said..."

2010-06-03T16:20:00.001-04:00

This is the regal Liger...bred for it's skills in magic.

I love learning new things. Now, what I mean by that is I enjoy soaking up useless and trivial information so that I can spew it back at the unsuspecting people that I call my friends. I'm not all that interested in every minute detail when it comes to politics or global warming or who's posturing for what position on a sports team...I like to walk on the less obvious and more eccentric side of things during my quest of knowledge.

Did you know that:

Your body is creating and killing 15 million red blood cells per second? Intelllesting...

The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache on a standard playing card? You can go look...I'll wait here.

The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye? Poor Poopeye. *giggle*

It's illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while you're sitting on a curb in St. Louis? Note to self: Leave beer bucket at home if traveling to St. Louis...

Some people would say that this is useless knowledge. I say that this is cutting edge conversation material.

This brings me back to the reason that I started writing this post. I ask questions, I ask a lot of questions. I am not the type of person to sit quietly in the middle of a conversation while someone goes on and on about something I have no clue how to pronounce while I nod my head and smile politely. If I don't get what you're talking about, I'm going to ask you about it until I do. Aren't you lucky?!?

When I was younger, I used to keep my trap shut and my head 'a noddin' in situations like that. I was embarrassed that I wasn't as "worldly" as the person talking seemed to be. I mellowed in that sense as I got older...I haven't mellowed in many other areas as I aged...Can you say Chihuahua on acid with an extra shot of espresso? *waving wildly* THAT'S ME!

Asking questions makes you sound smart.

I am all about sounding smart, people. So, you'll have to excuse me if I yawn through the debate about which renewable source of energy is better: Windmill or Waterwheel?

However, I will perk up to ask you exactly how many legs does the Giant Millipede Spider Bat from Guatemala have; just in case I need material for my next BBQ with the neighbors.

Hello, My Name Is: Eeyore

2010-06-01T11:21:00.002-04:00

There are days like to day where I don't want to laugh or enjoy the sun or daydream. I want to hide inside myself and hope that my heart stops hurting. I should be thankful for my life, what I have, my health, and my job...I am thankful most days. Today is one of those days where I want to retreat from the world and just go numb. I question my self-worth to myself and to those around me. I question why I even bother to try at times.

So, I'm sorry if you came here to read my blog for some humor. It's a very bad no good day for me. If you want a laugh then I recommend you go here or here. Those links go to 2 of my very favorite, very funny blog sites. One of those links goes to a post about a chicken foot. Yes, you read that right.

You can't beat a post about a chicken foot. It's just plain funny.

In the meantime, I will try to kick the black mood I'm in to the curb and come back with more of the familiar sarcastic and self-deprecating humor that you all (Mom?) are familiar with.

Team Hooters in the Hizzzz-ouse!

2010-05-28T13:51:00.000-04:00

I got a new background.

It was free.

*twirl*

Go there and snag one of your own. If you think you're cool enough....

Leelou Blogs is too cool for school.

Don't Cash in the Insurance Policy Yet...

2010-05-26T15:24:00.002-04:00

My husband, The Detective, is not known for jumping to conclusions. What he is known for is seeing things 2 ways: black or white. There are no shades of grey for him.

Ever.

He has convinced himself that the diet that I'm on is going to kill me by either causing my gallbladder to explode or my heart to stop. I'm not really sure where he got this idea from but he has taken it and RAN WITH IT.

The other night I casually mentioned to him: "Hmmm...my arm is annoyingly numb...*shaking arm*..."

He immediately grabs my wrist and starts taking my vital signs. Meanwhile, I'm trying to read my book. Do you know how hard it is to read a book with one available hand? At this point, I'm regretting saying anything about my arm at all.

He starts in with the questions: "Do you feel dizzy? Sick? Are you numb anywhere else?"

*grabs his cellphone and goes to Web MD*

Him: "Blah, blah, blah....carpal tunnel, pinched nerve, cold air...heart attack....I think we should go to the hospital."

I look at him.

Me: "I'm fine. I feel fine. I'm sure I just leaned on it wrong." *eye roll*

We go to sleep.

The next night, I crawl into bed and fall quickly to sleep. I feel a tapping on my arm and then I feel The Detective SHAKING me awake. Is it a fire? A tornado? A rabid raccoon?

No, my friends, it isn't any of the above...

He says: "Are you OK?! You didn't look like you were breathing?! Are you feeling alright?!"

*insert stare of death here*

Me: "I am FINE. Do not wake me up AGAIN." *sigh*

I've determined that if this diet doesn't kill me then I'm definitely going to die from lack of sleep.

My View Of Life...Or At Least What I See When I Leave The House In The Morning.

2010-05-21T10:22:00.000-04:00

I live in Michigan and for the past week or more we've had some pretty consistent rain. I'm about to turn into a merperson, I swear. My morning routine is usually the same...very...um...routine. The alarm goes off at around 7am, I stumble out of bed peppering my bedroom with some spicy phrases, I get myself and my 6 year old ready and then we leave the house. I drop her off at school and then go to work. This morning, like most mornings, I opened the door and this is what I saw:

I see this...the wet pavement, evidence of the rain that poured last night. I can smell the pond in the back, I can feel the heaviness of the warm, humid air. I want to see the sun!

And then I do.

How was your morning?

Nekkid

2010-05-20T15:50:00.002-04:00

As I was perusing the intranets I stumbled upon an article about May 14th being 'Blogging Without Make-up Day' or some such nonsense. The concept was probably thought up by some freak who has perfect hair AND skin and who doesn't scare small children or the elderly if she happens to go outside to get the paper sans make-up in the morning. I mean, isn't there a reason God invented foundation and lipstick? C'mon, ladies. I don't want to see your uneven skin tone any more than you do. I'm good, thanks.

I can guarantee all of you this: You will never, ever see a picture of me without make-up unless A.) I'm involved in some sporting event, or 2.) Someone else posted it. If a picture of me without make-up was posted by a second party without my knowledge or even WITH my knowledge then another guarantee I can give you is that said person will probably be buried in my backyard by sundown that same day.

So, even though I think it's a noble idea to "take it all off" in the name of pride and grrrrl power...I will be skipping this feministic new tradition.

I was thinking though....wouldn't it be kind of cool to see what other people see as soon as they step out of their door in the morning? Do you see a busy street? A sweeping yard? The next-door neighbor's junk car? Are you in the city? Country?

Tomorrow, I'll be sharing with you what *I* see when I walk out the front door in the morning. Are you excited? You HAVE to be on the edge of your seat right now. *crickets chirping*

I'd love to see the world through your eyes! Email me a picture of what you see when you walk out your front door. Interpret it any way you want. I can't wait to see what you see because quite frankly, I'm bored by my view. Just don't send me any pictures of those creepy little kid garden statues.

*shudder*

Great article: What Makes Me Feel Beautiful

GASP I Got An Award!

2010-05-18T10:59:00.000-04:00

Thank you to Jen from This Moment In Time for the One Lovely Blog award! I apologize for being incredibly late on recognizing this. I grovel at your feet.

The official rules of accepting this award are as follows: Accept this award and post it on your blog. Include link back to the blog you received it from.

Pass the award to fifteen blogs you have newly discovered.

Be sure to contact them to let them know they have been awarded.

I am passing on this award to:

Strength of a Rose

This Complicated Life

A Phoenix Rising

A Writer's Ramblings

Author Sarah Cunningham

Tubby Tabby Tales

Been There Running That

This Mama Moment

Christine Carr

Mrs. Flinger

Carolyn...Online

Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder

Toledo Photo Guy

Classy Chaos

I'm Not Benny

So, there we go! Congratulations....you may kiss my ring.

I'm A Loser, Baby...

2010-05-14T12:31:00.000-04:00

Day 12 of the HCG protocol and I've lost 9 pounds! Now, don't get me wrong, this is NOT EASY. I can only have certain foods and a limited amount of them at specific times of the day but it has all been worth every second and every craving.

An additional bonus to the weight loss success: My skin is smoother, I was told that I look younger, I'm sleeping better, and I have more energy. Go figure, right?

My only complaint is that I'm bored with the food choices. I'm not hungry, just bored. *yawn* Things could be worse though.

How I Was Humiliated By A Grapefruit

2010-05-07T12:05:00.000-04:00

I'm doing well on my HCG diet...if you'll notice over to the far right-------> I've installed a weight loss ticker that is tracking losses day by day. This is Day #7 and golly, I'm doing well. I'm not trying to brag and I'll prove that to you by sharing how I was humiliated by a grapefruit today. Good times.

I decided to indulge in half a grapefruit for my mid morning fruit fix today. I sliced it in half and placed it in a bowl and then proceeded to go to my office to enjoy my treat.

How in the heck do you eat this stuff?!?

I sliced it along the sections with a knife and tried to scoop it out but I made more juice and pulp than anything. I finally gave up and just tried to drink the juice out of the mutilated fruit I had in front of me.

This is what I expected:

"Hey, look at me and my non-humiliating grapefruit!"

And this is what I actually got:

Apparently, the grapefruit has a natural defense mechanism that prevents it from being eaten, kind of like the sea cucumber...I wonder if they're cousins? Maybe second removed? Anyhow, the grapefruit turns itself into mush and juice that is impossible to remove from the inner peel.

Final Score:

Grapefruit 1

Me 0

Seriously? I'm A Total Moron...OR...HCG Day 5

2010-05-04T17:35:00.000-04:00

I lost another 2.4 pounds at this morning's weigh in! Yay! That means my total loss at this point is 3 full pounds not including my 2 loading days weight gain of 3 pounds that I also lost. AWE-SOME.

Now to get to the "I'm a total moron" part: Measurements have never been something that I've been "good" at. Really, they confound me. I know, I know...it's hard to believe, right? The directions on my HCG tell me to take .5cc's of HCG 2x a day. It's really easy, the syringes are TOTALLY marked with the numbers. So, I've been taking my HCG religiously for two times a day with 5cc's.

I'm hungry still. My stomach is burning and I want to chew on my arm. I keep telling myself that it will go away and not to worry because this is normal. I read somewhere that if you're still hungry after few days to up your dose...so that's what I did! I increased my dosage to .7cc's and it hadn't seemed to help so I email Jenny at the place that I bought my HCG from and tell her what's up. After a few emails that went back and forth, I get frustrated and tell her that I'll just have to find a detailed answer elsewhere. I mean, come on! I'm hungry and you're not giving me an answer that makes one IOTA of sense! ACK!

My phone rings.

It's Jenny.

She says that she felt that she wasn't able to answer my question properly over email and so she called me.

She's chipper.

I'm hungry.

So, the beast that has now taken over my body says to Jenny: "I read to increase your HCG dose if your hunger doesn't go away within the first 2 days, so I went ahead and increased mine but I'm even more hungry that I was BEFORE."

Jenny: "Oh no!" *chipper voice* "You need to DECREASE the dose if you're still hungry. If you take more then the fat stores will be burned even faster and that's why you feel hungry. Try reducing it to .4 and see what happens. I think you'll be fine at that dose but please, please call me if you have any problems."

Me: "Really...?"

Jenny: "Yes, try that and if you ever need to talk to anyone just give me a call back. I'm at my desk from 9am until 9pm Monday through Friday!"

Seriously, it was like I was talking to a crisis hot line operator. Now that I think about it though, it WAS a crisis. I'm on a 500 calorie a day diet and I purposely made myself HUNGRIER by increasing my HCG dose.

Seriously? I'm a moron.

HCG Day 4

2010-05-03T12:07:00.000-04:00

Just a quick update: I lost all my loading weight...3 pounds...plus .6 pound of my original weight at this morning's weigh in. Wow. It's working!

I'm hungry though. I woke up hungry and I'm still hungry even after drinking loads of tea and water. I'm going to try some coffee next because caffeine tends to curb my appetite.

Breakfast: tea

Lunch: grilled chicken breast, melba toast, lettuce with apple cider vinegar, lemon juice, and pepper for dressing

Snack: orange

Dinner: crab, asparagus with pepper, salt, and garlic powder, grissini bread stick

Snack: apple

Bring it on!

HCG Day 3

2010-05-03T11:44:00.000-04:00

Today was the first day of the 500 calorie diet or VLCD. It went well but I did have some hunger on it. Here is what was on the menu:

Breakfast: Tea...lots and lots of tea.

Snack: Apple

Lunch: grilled chicken breast, asparagus with salt, grissini bread stick, tea

Snack: Orange

Dinner: tilapia with pepper and garlic powder, zuchinni with pepper and garlic powder, melba toast

I got very hungry around 8:30pm. I think this was more of an emotional hunger than anything else becasue I was quite full during and after dinner. I continued to drink lots of water to try and curb the hunger but it really never went totally away. I was craving pretzels or chips and cheese. It's probably my body's way of trying to trick me into screwing up this diet. I won though! I didn't give in even though I went to bed hungry.

I gained 1.4 pounds on my second load day when I weighed in today...May 2nd...total gain on load days equals 3 pounds.

HCG Day 2

2010-05-03T11:25:00.002-04:00

Second loading day. This sucks. I feel like I'm about to keel over from a heart attack at any minute. Second dosing day of HCG. Here is what I ate...also, I'd like to add: "OINK"....

Breakfast: McDonald's egg McMuffin with no Canadian bacon...It's HAM, people!...1 hash brown, large wildberry smoothie

Lunch: Wendy's 10 piece chicken nuggets, large french fries, chocolate shake, Junior bacon cheeseburger

Dinner: Applebee's lemonade, 3 fried cheese sticks, part of a steak with cheese and shrimp on it, part of a baked potato with butter and sour cream, some steamed vegetables. At this point, I felt so sick and so full that I wanted to be ill.

Gained 1.6 pounds the first day of loading.

HCG Day 1

2010-05-03T11:07:00.005-04:00

Look at me! I'm beginning a new diet. Story of my adult life. That's the reason why I'm doing the HCG Protocol. Many people have never heard of it but it's been around since the 1970's. It's target group is basically people that have dieted to the point where their metabolisms are screwed up royally. Basically, my metabolism is bipolar. It's doesn't know which is way is up or which way is down so it spends most of it's time in bed doing nothing. This leaves me with extra weight that I never had to deal with before that no matter what I do...diet, exercise, etc...the weight just stays there. Anyone, who knows me or who has followed my blog at all knows this about me. It's like the never ending weight loss story. I'm hoping that this solves my issue. Before I launch into the specifics...MY DOCTOR KNOWS THAT I'M DOING THIS. *grin*

Here are the basics: There is no Phase 1 technically with the original protocol but some suggest to add a Phase 1 of cleansing prior to the start of HCG doses. I didn't do this. I was on a balanced diet of 1200 calories a day prior to starting this with minimal additives and mostly clean eating so I'm not concerned about this step. It also wasn't in the original protocol as a required phase as I stated earlier.

The first 2 days of Phase 2 of the protocol involve loading up your body with lots of fats and lots of food. I'm talking about eating until you are just about to burst. This helps to keep hunger at bay when you start the next 20 days or so of the VLCD or Very Low Calorie Diet and by low, I mean 500 calories a day. You do all this while taking HCG either through injection or under the tongue aka sublingually. I chose to do the sublingual HCG because I'm a wimp. You knew that though, right?

After you finish the 20 days or so of the VLCD, you move on to Phase 3 which is slowly adding regular portion sizes, sugars, and starches back into your diet and discontinuing the HCG. The final phase or Phase 4 is maintenance. After this you can go on to another round if you still have weight to lose or stop and enjoy the fact that you just reset your metabolism and just monitor your weight. Of course, this is a shortened version of the diet...if you're interested there is a video at http://www.poundsandinchesaway.com/ that gives a great outline of the program also.

My menu for Day 1 of "loading":

First dose of HCG: I mixed the HCG last night and put it in the fridge. this morning when I woke up, I placed the drops under my tongue and held them there for 15 minutes. Took a shower while I did this. You aren't supposed to eat or drink 30 minutes prior to or after taking the drops. I drooled. Lots. I managed not to swallow or drown in my own saliva though. Yay me!

Breakfast: McDonald's Big Breakfast which included 1 sausage patty, 1 hash brown, 1 scrambled egg, 1 biscuit with butter, Large frozen mocha with whipped cream and chocolate sauce on top

*I was looking forward to this day like an 8 year old does to Christmas morning...it was a let down so far...I feel so sick and bloated after the crap I ate for breakfast that I want to stick my finger down my throat. Blech.

Snack: Cinnamon melt from McDonald's...I had to force myself to eat this at 12:00pm...

Lunch: King size Reece's Peanut Butter Crunch candy bar...too full to eat a lunch but forced this candy bar down.

Snack: Mountain Dew

Dinner: La Fuente cheese enchilada, bean and cheese burrito, sour cream, salsa, guacamole

Snack: I was too stuffed to eat a snack.

**This was April 30th

I Must Have A Really High Tolerance For Poison, Part Deux

2010-04-30T13:55:00.000-04:00

This is an update to this blog post that I wrote recently...apparently celery, blueberries, and spinach are now more likely to poison you than lettuce and pears...good stuff. Some updated information from Yahoo News:

Here's a closer look at the 2010 Dirty Dozen:

This year, celery takes the number one spot and both blueberries and spinach make an appearance (displacing lettuce and pears).

1. Celery

Celery has no protective skin, which makes it almost impossible to wash off the chemicals (64 of them!) that are used on crops. Buy organic celery, or choose alternatives like broccoli, radishes, and onions.

2. Peaches

Multiple pesticides (as many as 62 of them) are regularly applied to these delicately skinned fruits in conventional orchards. Can't find organic? Safer alternatives include watermelon, tangerines, oranges, and grapefruit.

3. Strawberries

If you buy strawberries, especially out of season, they're most likely imported from countries that have less-stringent regulations for pesticide use. 59 pesticides have been detected in residue on strawberries. Can't find organic? Safer alternatives include kiwi and pineapples.

4. Apples

Like peaches, apples are typically grown with poisons to kill a variety of pests, from fungi to insects. Tests have found 42 different pesticides as residue on apples. Scrubbing and peeling doesn't eliminate chemical residue completely, so it's best to buy organic when it comes to apples. Peeling a fruit or vegetable also strips away many of their beneficial nutrients. Can't find organic? Safer alternatives include watermelon, bananas, and tangerines.

5. Blueberries

New on the Dirty Dozen list in 2010, blueberries are treated with as many as 52 pesticides, making them one of the dirtiest berries on the market.

6. Nectarines

With 33 different types of pesticides found on nectarines, they rank up there with apples and peaches among the dirtiest tree fruit. Can't find organic? Safer alternatives include, watermelon, papaya, and mango.

7. Bell peppers

Peppers have thin skins that don't offer much of a barrier to pesticides. They're often heavily sprayed with insecticides. (Tests have found 49 different pesticides on sweet bell peppers.) Can't find organic? Safer alternatives include green peas, broccoli, and cabbage.

8. Spinach

New on the list for 2010, spinach can be laced with as many as 48 different pesticides, making it one of the most contaminated green leafy vegetable.

9. Kale

Traditionally, kale is known as a hardier vegetable that rarely suffers from pests and disease, but it was found to have high amounts of pesticide residue when tested this year. Can't find organic? Safer alternatives include cabbage, asparagus, and broccoli.

10. Cherries

Even locally grown cherries are not necessarily safe. In fact, in one survey in recent years, cherries grown in the U.S. were found to have three times more pesticide residue then imported cherries. Government testing has found 42 different pesticides on cherries. Can't find organic? Safer alternatives include raspberries and cranberries.

11. Potatoes

America's popular spud reappears on the 2010 Dirty Dozen list, after a year hiatus. America's favorite vegetable can be laced with as many as 37 different pesticides. Can't find organic? Safer alternatives include eggplant, cabbage, and earthy mushrooms.

12. Grapes

Imported grapes run a much greater risk of contamination than those grown domestically. Only imported grapes make the 2010 Dirty Dozen list. Vineyards can be sprayed with different pesticides during different growth periods of the grape, and no amount of washing or peeling will eliminate contamination because of the grape's thin skin. Remember, wine is made from grapes, which testing shows can harbor as many as 34 different pesticides. Can't find organic? Safer alternatives include kiwi and raspberries.

Good luck!

Hollywood, Baby!

2010-04-19T18:29:00.003-04:00

Well, actually...Boston.

My partner in crime, Kendra, and I will be performing in a stage show called 'Expressing Motherhood' in Boston this September. Please visit the link to find out what it's all about.

Our names are listed under Performers Boston '10 in font about this big. But don't let the size take away from the importance of our message which is....hmmm...should I tell you? I need to check with Kendra so she doesn't kick my heiny for leaking the goods without her permission. Look forward to that installment, yo.

I can tell you that it's going to be exciting, groundbreaking, and scandalous! Yes, I just said scandalous. Afterall, I'm teamed up with one of my close friends from high school (that's Kendra for those of you not paying attention) and we're off to Boston for a week without much supervision.

Oh my gah! How, like, totally rad is that? (I'm sorry, we graduated in the '90's.)

I swear it's like we should be renting a convertible, wearing scarves over our hair, and calling each other Thelma and Louise. Except for the fact that neither one of us has murdered anyone and we don't have a suicide pact.

That is unless we crash and burn on stage and then maybe that pact will be a go...I jest. Really I do! I don't need any type of intervention. We're good, right? Let's just forget about that last part there. Yeah.

Please go to the link and check it out!

p.s. You should probably get our autographs before we make it big. Just a heads up.

The Wind Beneath My Wings

2010-04-14T17:21:00.001-04:00

Inspiration comes in many different forms...it can tickle as lightly as a feather or it can hit you like a ton of bricks...in the shins...when you're wearing shorts. Picture it. NOW.

I have managed to surround myself over the years with people that have inspired me. They have inspired me without knowing for the most part, kind of like Secret Agent Inspiration Robots; only they're real people and not...robots.

If you asked most people who inspired them throughout life I bet you that most would list off actors, sports icons, or literary genius's. If you would have asked me that very question about 5 years ago, I would have been among most people in my answers. After I turned 30, my priorities shifted and I realized who I am and why I became the person that is looking back at me from the mirror.

And it's all because of my Secret Agent Inspiration Robots!

What? I said I turned 30 physically...I didn't say I matured emotionally to that age. Duh. *eye roll*

You never know who is inspired by the things that you say and do. People are always watching. Not to get you all paranoid or anything. It's not like people are watching you from behind the bushes in your front yard. I mean, they might be but really that's highly unlikely.

I just went from inspiration to weird in like, 5 seconds, ya'll. (OMG...that "ya'll" that just snuck out is *totally* my little sister's fault for dragging me to Tennessee with her last weekend. Now I'm going to have make up for it by using northern terms like "Pop". )

Remember: People rarely recall who won an Oscar or who had the nicest car...they remember what a person stood for and how they lived their lives.

Fin.

The Rose Run 2010 Firstgiving Page Is Up!

2010-03-26T13:56:00.000-04:00

Rose: My high school best friend's mother who died from breast cancer just over a year ago. The woman who inspired me to run in her honor. The woman who made the best chocolate chip cookies I have ever tasted in my entire life. The woman who watched me grow up alongside her daughter. The woman who I know would appreciate the humor that I inject into most of my blog posts.

Please go here: The Rose Run 2010 Firstgiving Page

Even if you are participating in this year's run, please donate to this cause. I would love to live to see the day when we no longer have to say goodbye to people like Rose because of breast cancer.

Wouldn't you?

They Call It 'The Shred' For A Reason

2010-03-23T16:42:00.000-04:00

I did Jillian Michael's 'The 30 Day Shred' for the first time last night. I now know why it's called 'The Shred'...it's because it hurts....so much. Kind of like if you decided that it would be fun to grate your thighs over a million shards of glass and then run a marathon with 5 million squats at the end. That would pretty much cover the warm up section of this DVD.

Good times.

She uses 3 levels in this specific DVD and suggests that you stay on each level for 10 days a piece. Hence, the "30" in the title. Following me? Now, prior to starting, you should take your measurements because even though there are claims that you lose 10 pounds on average during this workout...I've heard that you lose much more in inches because of the increase in muscle tone.

Guess who forgot to take her measurements last night?

Yeeeeeaahhhh...I'll do that tonight. Really.

The only equipment needed for this workout are hand weights and a mat if you plan on working out on a hard surface...3 pound weights are the suggested starting weight but since I could only find *1* of my 3 pound weights because the other one is probably being used as a Barbie sailboat somewhere, I used my 5 pound weights. I strongly suggest that you start with 3 pound weights...just trust me.

Jillian frightens me. I feel like I need to make her proud and keep her from jumping through the TV screen and killing me at the same time. It's a tingly feeling. At one point she's talking about an alternative move for jumping jacks and she looks directly into the camera and says something along the lines of: "There is no alternative for jumping jacks...I have 400 pound people who do jumping jacks...YOU can do them too." I think her eyes may have glowed red for a split second but maybe that was just my retinas starting to bleed.

She also used phrases like:

"Pain is just fear leaving the body..."

"Abs like these you have to work for..."

"I demand your first born child and a signature in blood..."

Just kidding on that last one. That must have happened in my head one of the times I blacked out doing crunches or butt kicks.

Today I'm sore and walking slightly crooked but I'll be pushing play again tonight for another round of pain and humiliation in the hopes that I will see my long lost abs in oh, 30 days.

Mmmmmm...Carrots

2010-03-19T13:08:00.000-04:00

I read alot of blogs. Not necessarily an unhealthy amount but I do read several. Lately I've been on this kick to read blogs that aren't so mainstream. You know, like the blog that my high school friend writes or the blog that my friend in Texas writes. I found myself at one point getting slightly jealous of some the more popular bloggers out there..I mean, why am I not popular with 9 million hits a day? WHY? DOESN'T ANYONE LIKE ME?

Yeah. I may have some self-esteem issues there. Anyhow...

The more mainstream blogs I read though, the more I realize that these bloggers have some major drama that they have to deal with. They have people that send them hate mail and tell them that they shouldn't swear or talk about thier own kids becasue it will ruin their fragile psyches. They can't just sit down and verbally vomit all over their blogs because they have to actually think about how others will take their post.

That's where I have it easy. I can post pretty much post my social security number and bank card password on my blog and not give it a second thought. POW! It's liberating. I am writing this blog for me and only me! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

So there we have it.

Carrots. Yum.

*On a sidenote: I have lost a total of 8.8 pounds as of today. RAWR.

My Running Season Has Begun

2010-03-12T13:37:00.000-05:00

I ran last night.

One mile.

I didn't die.

That's always a good thing.

I Ate The Whole Thing or My Birthday Weekend Gave Me Indigestion

2010-03-09T10:45:00.000-05:00

I just celebrated my birthday. That glorious day when my mother came forth and gave birth to moi'. It was a dark and stormy night 29 yea...*ahem*...32 years ago and BAM! There I was in my full glory! Thanks, Mom.

Of course on ones birthday, you must partake in festivities such as dinner and treats and possibly a libation or two that may or may not include gelatin of some sort in those cute little mini cups. The day happened to fall on a Friday which meant I kept that party going ALL WEEKEND LONG. Dinner turned into breakfast which turned into Frito's and cheese dip which then turned into pizza on Sunday afternoon. I did take Roscoe, the wonder mutt, for a nice walk on Sunday but alas, I think it was too late to eliminate much of anything that I ate this past weekend.

I swear I can practically *hear* myself gaining the precious pounds back that I managed to lose the last 2 months. My arteries are probably closing in on themselves as I write. I think my right foot is a little numb too...

I have a new plan:

Walking!

I want to plan out a route near my office...roughly about 3 miles and walk it 3 times a week on what would be my lunch. I rarely, if ever, leave my office to do anything so this would not only help me get some fresh air and exercise but possibly lower my stress level also.

I Must Have A Really High Tolerance For Poison

2010-03-01T17:33:00.003-05:00

I'm not really sure how I survived my childhood. I mean, I think the only organic food I ever ingested was dirt and maybe a rock or two. My mother would have busted a gut laughing if someone suggest to her that she purchase a gallon of milk for $6.00 because it was from a cow that was not treated with growth hormones, was free range, and was fed a vegetarian diet. Yet, here I am doing just that for my 6 year old daughter because I'm petrified that all of those growth hormones and additives are going to make her smell like a yeti and grow Dolly Parton boobs by the time she's 8 years old! The additive in milk jugs for non-organic milk that is in question here for me is BPA and the additives in the actual milk are rBST and rBGH, which contribute to increased incidences of colon and breast cancer according to http://www.purefood.org/.

"Bisphenol A, or BPA, is an industrial chemical used to line food cans, children's juice cartons, make plastic cling wrap, dental sealants, non-breakable plastic water bottles, etc.

There are some serious questions as to how BPA affects hormones as it is easily leached into our food and water.

BPA is considered a xenoestrogen, meaning a substance that adversely affects the estrogen in our bodies." -kidsorganics.com

I never grew Dolly Parton boobs even though I drank the evil hormone laced milk. I guess I just wasn't one of the lucky...er...unlucky ones affected by these hormones. I ate apples right off the tree at the orchard too. Perhaps that's why I glow a bit in the dark...no, that couldn't be it. *shrug*

Anyhow, I don't remember my mom ever shopping in the organic section of any store with the exception of during the summertime when a local family we were friends with had a produce stand. Even then I don't think that the fruits and veggies were necessarily grown without pesticides. So why in this day and age do I feel that I need to buy organically produced food items as often as I possibly can?

The answer is simple for me...back a generation ago, we did not have the information about how much healthier it is to eat most foods from organic sources. Now, please do not fret, the majority of foods are considered "safer" with the exception of short list of fruits and vegetables. If you can afford to buy organically then please do...especially for those of us with small children at home. We don't want a bunch of mutants running around, do we? Huh? Anyone?

Check this list out...it shows which types of produce should be bought organically and what items just have to be washed really well because the pesticides don't usually penetrate their skins...

On this list, I buy my carrots and apples organically. My local grocery store and even some of the specialty stores around me do not carry some of these items organically. My child is strange enough...I really don't want to add to things...freakish growth spurts, attention issues, growth delays, etc. I also always buy my milk organically. I like to picture organic cows as being more laid back than their hormon injected counterparts.

"Peace, Love, and Moo."

Groovy.

Things I Am Strangely Attracted To:

2010-02-26T10:32:00.000-05:00

1. The Dog Snuggie: And really, why wouldn't I be? I mean, I'm sitting here on the couch all warm and cozy in my own Snuggie (It's blue for your mental image making pleasure) and I look over at Roscoe and he's all: "I'm so cold and sad. Can I lay my shivering head on your lap and pilfer some warmth from you? I sure could use one of those Snuggies..."

2. The rubbery goop that is used to hold credit cards to the letter they come with. It's stretchy and looks like a massive booger. I mean, you can stretch and stretch that stuff and it hardly ever breaks! Serious stress reliever. After the stress therapy is over, you can stick it to your face and freak your family out by faux sneezing and then looking at them and asking: "Do I have anything on my face?"

3. Spanx: Now, I don't own a pair of these...yet...but I've heard songs of praise from many women for them. They're sort of like bionic pantyhose that hold both your thigh meat and your stomach fat in and create a smoother much more toned looking sillhouette. It sounds a bit like a sausage casing to me and I've heard it's a bit hard to breathe while wearing them BUT if I could control muffin top by wearing them, then I'm ok with reduced oxygen intake.

4. Playdoh: I love the smell and the texture. I like to smash it up against my nose and breathe deeply. It just smells so good. If I could make Playdoh scented air freshener then I would be in heaven. Playdoh heaven.

5. Completing a Duathlon: Yes, I just said that. I haven't even taken a run this winter...3 months give or take. I got this idea in my head that *I* would like to attempt to train for and complete a duathlon. That's running and biking for all you dears out there.

Crazy? Yes.

Masochistic? Perhaps.

Is it even possible? I'm not sure but I'll try.

I can honestly say that I adore biking. I love it so much...Running, on the other hand, has always been hard for me. I need to train a ton for an average performance. I will never be a happy runner but I can run. This body was built more for biking than running long distances. I have short legs, big thighs. I'm not a gazelle...I'm more like a bassett hound when it comes to running.

Que sera sera.

A Conversation That May Or May Not Have Happened At My House

2010-02-24T13:20:00.001-05:00

You Have Not Yet Died From Dysentary

2010-02-22T14:53:00.000-05:00

I'm still on the wagon.

I've not fallen off of it yet.

I mean, it's been a sometimes bumpy ride.

I MAY have barely hung on a few times by my nicely manicured nails...

BUT

I'm still here doin' it up Oregon Trail style, baby....that means I'm still on the wagon. *sigh*

I have lost a total of 7 pounds since I started using a calorie counting website and I have met some amazing women that have made this wagon ride less bumpy. They rock my socks. Some of them are bloggers too and I'll be listing their blogs on my sidebar under 'Good Stuff To Read'...please, go visit them or I will hunt you down and throw rotten tomatoes at you.

I'm kidding, really.

Sorta.

In other breaking news, I will be performing in the Boston show of Expressing Motherhood. My partner in crime's name is Kendra and we will be performing a piece about the age old argument of stay at home moms vs. work out of the home moms. We really do have some common ground that we can agree on and it isn't just about weight gain and stretch marks. So, if any of you are in the Boston area September 30 through October 2, 2010 I would love to see you there! Hopefully, I will be a more sleek version of the person I am now. Physically, that is because mentally you can't get much sleeker than I am now. Booya, I just said that.

Picking Dandelions

2010-02-22T10:07:00.002-05:00

Picking Dandelions: A Search For Eden Among Life's Weeds....this book...was a gift to my soul. My undernourished, stagnant, Christian soul. I pray, I go to church every Sunday...I even take notes during the service with genuine interest but I've become dead in the water when it comes to what it truly means to be a Christian. This book grabbed me by the front of the shirt and shook me so hard that it hurt at times.

The author, Sarah Cunningham, is an old high school friend and so while I might be slightly biased because *squeal* I went to high school with a successful and talented author; I tried to keep myself in check. The book starts off with an account of Sarah's early memories of her childhood and how they related to her Christian walk. She is a pastor's daughter and was raised in the church so it was natural for her to have faith in God and in the world around her. As she grew older she realized both the world she lived in and her faith were somewhat tarnished.

A self-confessed "over thinker" she related humans to dandelions throughout the book and how we are constantly growing, changing, drifting aimlessly, and how we need to accept God's grace throughout all of this. She challenged herself to change in ways that helped her grow as a person through faith.

Picking Dandelions is a book that will speak directly to your heart. The book is faith based and is written in tones of warm humor and hilarious wit that will make it non-threatening to those with or without faith. Sarah's honesty throughout make you feel as if you just sat down to coffee with an old friend. The overall theme in this blog has been about imperfection and this fits right in with that idea.

Picking Dandelions reminds us that walking with Jesus is about constant change and reevaluation, ups and downs, and that God loves us enough to not want us to remain the same.

Any questions you have about the book and/or for Sarah can be left in the comment section.

Author Sarah Cunningham Actually Agreed to Let Me Do a Review of Her Book!

2010-02-01T18:15:00.000-05:00

You read that right! Author Sarah Cunningham, who just happens to be an old highschool friend, has agreed to let me review her book, Picking Dandelions, and interview her...not that she is playing any favorites! Here is proof of her blog tour:

Sarah Cunningham's Blog Tour

See? Don't get your panties in a bunch; she loves us all equally.

Here is some more proof of said book. Isn't it lovely? The book, according to her blog, is a warm and witty spiritual memoir set in the midwest.

Today is the release date for Picking Dandelions I am very excited to be a part of Sarah's Blog Tour! You can read more about Sarah at http://www.sarahcunningham.org/. Sarah also has another book that was released a bit ago entitled, Dear Church. It's an excellent read that is sure to touch the heart of anyone who reads it.

Stay tuned for more from my twisted, little mind about Sarah Cunningham's, Picking Dandelions.

I'm Not A Doctor, I Just Play One On TV

2010-01-29T12:38:00.001-05:00

It's party time.

I went to the doctor yesterday about the freckle thing on my back that I thought for sure was slowing killing me and they said there was nothing to worry about. It wasn't suspicious at all.

*Deep cleansing breath*

In other news, I'm about to jump on the Gillian Michaels bandwagon with her video The 30 Day Shred. I've heard such glowing reviews from my friends who have tried it such as:

"I can't feel my legs."

"Gillian Michaels is Satan reincarnate."

And my personal favorite:

"If I had a Gillian Michaels voodoo doll, I'd drop a free weight on it's head."

Intriguing, yes?

I ordered the DVD and it's been siting on my kitchen counter being the elephant in the room since oh, last week or maybe 2 weeks ago. It takes me some time to work into these things. Stop judging me. I mean, I've read the back cover about 60 times at least...that's good for something I'm sure.

I've also been using a online program: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/

It's all free and it's wonderful. I've been using it for 20 days straight. the basis of it is that you log all your calories that you eat during the day in their FREE food diary. Signing up is quick and simple. During the sign up portion is when you figure how many calories you need to be eating to lose the recommended 1 pound a week. There are also options to gain weight and even stay at your current weight through maintenance. They also have community boards where you can ask questions or read about others fitness journeys.

No, they aren't paying me to say all of this but if someone from there happens to read this...*eyebrow raise*...then we can work something out I'm sure.

I've also started thinking about the St. Patrick's Day 5K that is held in Ann Arbor each year. I haven't run in 2 months but what better way to get back into it than a run that ends with a free beer? Seriously. That's just pure genius on their part.

Wow

2010-01-21T11:40:00.006-05:00

What a difference a year makes...Carrie (mentioned in prior posts aka Cancer Warrior Chick) has been cancer free for an entire year! Amazing. Emotional. Inspiring.

My wonderful friend, Missy, is cancer free and just had a beautiful baby girl. What a gift.

It's been a year since Rose was stolen from us by her cancer. She is another amazing and inspirational woman. I think about Jess, her daughter and my friend, during this time and wonder what do you say to help ease the pain? I've decided that nothing will ever help that, the void will always be there. So instead I send her texts that say things like, "Hey! I was just thinking about you, hoping that you're doing well. Love you!". Not enough. Never enough.

I have a doctor's appointment next week. I've had this freckle/mole/beauty mark on my back that has been bothering me for a while. It's changed shape, raised a bit and now it's itching. I'm worried, I can't lie. I've seen what people go through when something little turns into something much bigger than they thought. I'm trying not to overreact which for me is like trying to keep an ice cube from melting on the pavement in July.

I haven't been running since winter hit Michigan. It's just too cold and I can't face the treadmill. I've got running on my mind though. I am looking forward to the first sign of Spring so I can strap my shoes back on and pound some pavement. I haven't forgotten why I first started running though. It's with me every time I think about it, read about it, talk about it. I started for Rose and I was inspired by Carrie and Missy.

I run so that maybe I won't be someone else's inspiration in the future.

You Know How Holding Someone's Hair Back While They Puke Makes You Really Tight With One Another?

2010-01-06T13:59:00.005-05:00

Hey. It's 2010. A few days ago it was 2009. How many of you rang in 2010 with promises of better things, places, people....a better you, perhaps? Don't answer that. I know 99.9% of you did and I was among you. It seems that since 2010 rolled it's big 'ol butt into town that I've felt like I have had a constant hangover.

You know...headache, stomachache, body aches....joy. Add to that a dollop of depression and HERE I AM!

I want to lose weight. I want to lose it so badly but I cannot for the life of me find any motivation or energy to do it. I have accepted the fact that I will never again look like the pre-baby me. I'm ok-ish about that. What I cannot accept is the weight that I have to take off that I'm not able to. I have come to one major conclusion about why I can't find the motivation or the willpower or the mojo...

My schedule.

I work until 6:00 pm or later every weekday except for Fridays and I don't get home until at least 6:30pm. AT LEAST. I have a 6 year old who needs me and a family that I have to take care of. Waking up in the morning early to work out makes me want to throw up. Seriously.

I need to do something though. I need to start to feel more comfortable in my skin and the only way that will happen is by losing weight. So, I just need to stop whining about my stinkin' schedule, right? It's just an excuse for the laziness that is ME.

So, I'm not going to make any New Year's resolutions because as all of us know...they get wasted faster than my dad at the VFW. I'm going to make a promise to myself and most importantly, to the people who care about me, to get healthier. No, I'm not going to be perfect but I'm also going to make a serious effort to accept that I will never have the body of Angelina Jolie. Wouldn't that be AWESOME though? I digress.

So there. Now, I've bared my soul to you. It's basically like holding my hair back while I puke, right?

We're tight now, yo.

I'd Like To Order A Large Helping Of Motivation, Please...

2010-01-05T15:08:00.002-05:00

"Go ahead with your order when you're ready..."

"Yes, I'd like a large order of motivation, a side of ambition, and a healthy diet, please."

This Has Absolutely Nothing to Do with Exercise or Fitness...But It's Still Cool...To Me, At Least.

2009-12-17T10:25:00.004-05:00

As I'm lying in bed last night I came up with a super awesome totally cool idea.

No, it's not what you're thinking....or what you're thinking either so get your minds out of the gutter. Ick.

Wouldn't it rock if you could have a bubble that extends from your feet to your head that is climate controlled AND has a built in alarm clock that you can choose the theme to which you can be awakened by it? You know, like 'Caribbean Breezes' with calming coconut scented breezes and relaxation music or 'Sock Hop' that plays upbeat '50's and '60's music and projects Happy Days reruns above your head or my personal fave : 'DISCO PARTY'...complete with mini disco ball and multicolored lights. I would set it to that every single morning and wake up in the BEST mood EVER.

I was pitching the idea to the guy that I married...whose new nickname is going to be 'The Detective' because was I watching a show about George Bush and his wife referred to him the entire time as 'The President' and I thought that was funny hence the nickname. Anyhow, I pitch my idea to The Detective and he says to me:

"That sounds annoying."

WHA?!? I mean, I don't know what's wrong with this man. How could you think that something like that would not be practical and a fun way to wake up?? I tried to reason with him but all I got was:

"There's something seriously wrong with you."

We'll see who's got something "seriously wrong" with who when I wake up in my super comfy climate controlled disco emporium. Me thinks someone may be a tad jealous.

The 2nd Annual Rose Run Registration Is Open!

2009-12-08T10:20:00.004-05:00

Early Bird Registration is now open the 2010 Rose Run in Petersburg! Register online by March 1, 2010 and pay $20 for your registration fee. Pass it on.....let's make another fantastic event!

The Rose Run

For those of you that have been with me since day 1, you know that this is the event that got me started on this crazy adventure and inspired the name of my blog. I wanted to do something that was bigger than me for someone that I loved dearly who lost her battle to breast cancer and for her family. This event was a huge success last year and hopefully this year it will be an even larger success.

I won a free registration last year in the raffle drawing so I'm going to be running again in this event which guarantees some good entertainment for you all. If the wonderful cause isn't enough to convince you to participate in this event then the mental picture of me limping along while huffing and puffing should be enough to push you over the edge to register. Yes, you can walk but of course I love pain and embarrassment so I'll be running it again. I didn't require the lifesaving talents of Petersburg's volunteer fire department last year but you never know what this year's event will bring.

Here's A Downer With Your Upper

2009-12-02T12:38:00.008-05:00

I have food issues. The same food issues that probably 85% of women in America have. I read an article by one of my absolute fave bloggers, Scary Mommy.

The subject, if you haven't already clicked on my link and abandoned me here to drone on and on and on....Oh, there you are. *Ahem* The subject is about being a mom who has food issues to a little girl who you don't want to pass on your food issues to.

This is me.

I start and stop or should I say fail diets all the time. I start new exercise routines almost as often. I find myself eating well for weeks and then blowing it all on junk that I crave. The good thing or maybe the bad thing, depending on how you think about it, is that I'm not alone in this behavior. Misery loves company and all that jazz.

I make a conscious effort to never ever say anything negative about myself or anyone else especially when it comes to weight issues in front of my little girl. I fail at this when it comes to myself sometimes though and that is the seed that I'm afraid will sprout in my little girl's mind when she becomes aware of body issues.

In the words of Scary Mommy: "Being a girl is hard. Having a girl is even harder."

He's A Brick House

2009-12-01T17:57:00.004-05:00

I have a dog named Roscoe. When we got him from the rescue agency they told us they thought he was part Dachshund and part Basset Hound.

Take a minute to picture a dog that is shaped and is as large as a Basset Hound with the coloring of a red Dachshund and you have Roscoe.

I really think he might be part potbelly pig. Those rescue groups. Such tricksters.

Following is a conversation that I have with Roscoe on a nightly basis while I'm working out. Here goes:

**I'm getting into position to do sit ups...which means I'm laying on the floor.**

Roscoe: Jumping down from his perch on the couch..."What 'cha doin' now?"

Me: "Roscoe! GET OFF OF ME! ICK!" Pushing Roscoe's face out of mine...

Roscoe: "I was thinkin' when yer done there doin'...um...whatever that is yer doin' that you could get me a treat." Proceeds to lay very large Basset Hound sized head on my chest as I perform an exercise called the "Superman"...

Me: "Really? Because it doesn't look like you need a treat, buddy. I'm the one working out here and you haven't moved an inch."

Roscoe: "Yeah but just watchin' you work out makes me hungry...looook at me, I'm starving! You never feed me....enough table scraps...my rolls and barrel shaped body are thinning." Dramatic pause...

So, I figure that I should get extra credit for 1.) Working out with full grown potbelly pig...er..."dog" on my chest and B.) Reasoning with a hound dog about food on top of that.

Who's with me??!??

Does This Season Make Me Look Fat?

2009-11-24T15:48:00.004-05:00

The season that is equally loved and hated by all people who could stand to lose a few pounds is here. It all starts very innocently with Halloween and all the "free" candy. You go from house to house with your kids and watch them in all their merriment and delight collect candy with their bright orange plastic pumpkin bucket. The moms, at least the ones in my neighborhood, follow the kids from house to house telling them to "SLOW DOWN!" or "WAIT FOR US!" or "STOP EATING YOUR CANDY BEFORE WE CHECK IT OUT-DON'T YOU KNOW IT COULD HAVE PINS OR RAZOR BLADES IN IT?!?!"

When really we just want to save the best stuff for ourselves.

You know you do it.

The Snickers, Twix, and Milky Way bars call to you like a siren song.

Just admit it and move on.

Then we get a slight pause before launching full force into the Thanksgiving season. This is another holiday that lulls you into the false sense of security because so many of the most popular dishes served have vegetables in them.

Vegetables = Healthy...right?

That cheesy casserole with some flecks of potato in there? Give me a second helping Aunt Sue!

How about another GIANT spoonful of that green bean casserole! EXTRA gravy, please!

Don't forget that everything is made with REAL butter and HEAVY cream. Of course, that's your dairy serving. Then there's the pumpkin pie which of course counts as a fruit serving...might as well have 2 slices. After all, you need your fruit. Oh goodness, I can practically hear my thighs getting bigger and my bum getting wider.

At least it's only one day! Live it up!

Yeah. One day. Plus the 5 days of leftover turkey-mashed-potato-cranberry-sauce-butter-dressing-gravy sandwiches. Yeeeehaaaaaw!

Then the mother of all holiday dinners comes to town. It's commonly camouflaged in red and green colors but it can't fool me. I know what it means.

I mean, besides the whole savior is born thing.

It means food. A lot of it. At many, many parties and get togethers. It means eggnog shakes at McDonald's. It means Grandma's peanut brittle. Yum. I'm drooling just thinking about it. Don't try to fool yourselves into thinking that this is just a one meal holiday either. It's meal after meal after party after get together. Throughout all of them, the constant voice at the back of our minds is:

"I'll eat better/start my diet/exercise more after the holidays."

I'm POWERLESS to the lure of this yum fest, everyone! I love the food of this season. I will eat the food of this season and I will enjoy the food of this season. Oh, yeah. You heard me right.

I'm. Going. To. Eat. Holiday. Goodies. And. Not. Feel. Badly.

Fo' shizzle.

Sorry about that minor gangsta white girl talk that just slipped out. I wanted to sound tough so you didn't harass me about my eating habits this season.

Seeing as the holidays fall during the Power 90 challenge that I'm doing, I hope to avoid any extra poundage and I would be happy to just not gain anything in the wake of cookies, pies, and eggnog.

Extra Gravy, Please.

2009-11-23T15:06:00.004-05:00

It's the week of Thanksgiving and all through my house
Not a creature was stirring
Except for me and my stupid workouts.

My free weights were behind the couch
Hidden with care
In hopes that my strength training routine would not go there.

My sweatpants
They clung
To my thighs like cake batter.

My sportsbra
It suffocated me
Like a boa constractor.

(What? I know it's supposed to be constrictor but that doesn't rhyme with batter, does it?)

In the middle of my second set of sidekicks
There arose such a clatter
I let my foot fall
To see what was the matter.

I ran to the window
Threw open the sash (Um...What exactly is a 'sash' anyhow? a curtain?)
I could not figure out
What had made such a crash.

I returned to my workout
And when I raised that foot
My hip groaned like a dog
That was totally pooped.

It was then that I realized the sound that I heard
Was nothing but my body
Not wanting to be disturbed.

I laughed at those creaks
And those pops
And those groans
I didn't give up or even once stop.

I thought to myself

As I should have all along

"Happy Thanksgiving!"

I deserve a day off!

Working 9 to 5...or 6 or 8...or 24 Hours A Day...

2009-11-17T12:59:00.004-05:00

I had to work late last night. Later than usual. I got home around 8pm or maybe a bit later. Who knows because all I could think about was the fact that I still had to injure myself...*ahem*...I mean, work out. All I wanted to do was get this workout done and over so that I could pour a bowl of my homemade chili for din din and chill out for about 3 minutes before the nightly demands started. I walk through the front door and see that my 6 year old daughter is fast asleep on the couch.

JACKPOT!

I can work out and then eat my dinner without having to stop and answer 50 questions about if I got her anything while I was at work, why the sky is blue, and why I'm the only one in the house that she wants me to cook her dinner.

I race upstairs and throw my shorts and Dukes of Hazzard tshirt on-because a Dukes of Hazzard tshirt clearly says: I'm a badass-and run downstairs to begin my workout. That's when I realize that I have something attached to my side. A cling-on of some sort. It comes up to about my elbow and has disheveled light brown hair.

The princess has awakened from her slumber.

"Mommy-I'm-hungry-will-you-cook-me-dinner-and-read-this-book-where-is-the-United-States-on-this-map-I-thought-we-lived-in-a glove-that-doesn't-look-like-a-glove-oh-you-mean-we-live-in-Michigan-INSIDE-the-United-States-I-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom-can-you-watch-my-food-how-much-longer-do-you-have-to-workout??? I'm bored."

It's truly a work out just to get to my workout.

Day 8...

2009-11-11T15:24:00.004-05:00

My Power 90 adventure continues to be an eye opening event. I learn something new about my body daily it seems.

I, apparently, have an important muscle in my armpit region that I use a lot more than I ever thought possible when it comes to armpit muscle usage.

I lift my arms...my armpits hurt.
I lower my arms...my armpits hurt.
I pick something up...my armpit hurts.
I close a car door...my armpit hurts....

I'm sure you get the picture.

With my luck, by the time these 90 days are over I will not have flat abs but seriously toned armpit musculature. Oh, baby.

Where Is My Motivation, People? OH! There It Is...

2009-11-10T16:14:00.003-05:00

Yet again I'm amazed at what an emotionally traumatizing event can do for one's exercise routine.

You're not following me are you?

Ok, this is the thing, you ever notice that when you get really angry about something...I'm talking RAGING angry about something that it gives you that extra little *oomph* in your workout? Well, something really got my goat in the last couple of days and it has got me madder than a wet hen. That means "really annoyed" for all you city speak folk out there.

I'm not going to go into detail about the reason my panties are in a bunch but it has got me goin'. The good thing about all this angst and pissy-ness is that my workouts are getting that extra kick in the butt which means more calories burned for me. I can practically see my assets shrinking!

Well, not really, but I'm convinced just being angry burns more calories than being happy or content. I sweat when I'm mad. Seriously. More than usual and I'm part Native American and French...there is a lot of sweating going on. Make me angry and I look like Billy Blanks in one of those Advanced Tae Bo VHS tapes! Except I'm white...and I'm a girl...and I'm not in nearly that good of shape...but the sweat! Billy's excessive sweating = my excessive sweating. There, that's the Clif's notes version of the whole sweat issue.

So there I am doing the cardio portion of my Power 90 program last night. To be specific we're on the "punching" section. I know I look ridiculous punching, I don't kid myself about the lack of toughness that I convey. However, my partner aka husband feels it necessary to heckle me while I go about my exercise.

"You look like a windmill that's gone horribly WRONG! You're confusing me!" This said whilst hiding behind his own raised arms. Like I'm some horrible mutant that has assaulted his eyes.

This just aggravates my anger which has gradually turned into rage and I start to windmill even more aggressively. All the while thinking: "I'll show him. I can punch and look tough with the best of them. I am an ANIMAL!"

Then it hits me...

No, literally, I hit myself in the mouth. Smooth. The only thing saving me is the fact that I didn't tell him and he didn't notice. I mean, it's not like I gave myself a bloody lip. THAT would have been hard to hide.

At least I still have the rage left inside of me for tonight's workout.

If I See A Shooting Star Tonight...THIS Is What I'm Wishing For...

2009-11-06T12:38:00.002-05:00

Pain...Glorious Pain

2009-11-05T12:13:00.005-05:00

Power 90 with Tony has re-entered the picture. I know in the past Tony and I haven't gotten along. I know I tried to replace him with other exercise routines but we just can't get enough of each other. I mean, it's not like we were committed or anything so he can't complain...we were on a BREAK! Well, 2 days ago I made a promise to stay with him and his Power 90 program for 90 days. Eek. You heard me right folks. 90 whole days...with only 1 rest day per week.

I haven't given up on running, I really haven't. Really. It's just that lately I've had to take a step back and re-evaluate my relationship with running. Not to mention I live in Michigan and it's freaking cold outside right now! Pair that with the fact that it's dark by the time I get home after work and how I loath running on the treadmill...well, you get the picture. So running and I decided that we should see other people for a little while; just until the snow melts or I break down and use the dreaded treadmill in the basement of doom. Don't worry, we're still the best of friends.

Back to Tony and I...if you've never heard of the Power 90 program before then you are in for a treat! It consists of 2 DVD's; that means I can stay warm AND dry while working out! I've never had my snot freeze to my face while doing Power 90, people. NEVER. Anyhow, the program starts off with Level 1-2 and moves on to Level 3-4 when you deem yourself ready. Which is semi-bad news for someone like me because *I* am never ready to move onto anything that is considered "harder" or "more challenging" but that's where my workout partner aka husband falls into play. He feels that "Oh, a week or so of this 1-2 business and we can switch to 3-4; NO PROBLEM!" All the while he has this crazed look of someone who has clearly lost his mind and doesn't comprehend the fact that for the last several months he has been not exactly what I would call...um...active. Let's face it, neither one of us are spring chickens either so let's not throw caution to the wind and end up breaking a hip or something.

*Ahem*

The program is alternating days of weights and cardio workouts that are 30 minutes a piece plus some stretching time with one day off a week; I've chosen Friday because that's my fun day and fun day to me does not = Power 90. Call me a pessimist if you want, I don't care. I've completed 2 workouts as I write this; 1 cardio and 1 weight training. I can sum the way I feel up in 2 words:

I hurt.

I can barely lift my arms past my belly button and it feels as though my abdominal muscles are actually trying to rip their way out of my body and move to another state. That means it's working though, right? Anyone?

Judging by my past experience with this program, the soreness should end in about a week until I level up and then it still won't be as severe as it is now. Mama can't wait for that day! I'm seriously, hobbeling around here like a drunken sailor but I'm not drunk or a sailor which is a bummer on so many levels.

Run Like a Girl

2009-09-30T14:43:00.006-04:00

This weekend is my daughter's inaugural run. My daughter is the light of my life. The air that I breathe. The cheese to my cracker. The manic to my depressive. Er. Whatever.

I am incredibly excited to tell you that this very weekend her and I will be running the Red October 1 mile Kids Fun Run. It's a mere 1 mile but my daughter is only 6 years old and well...I haven't exactly been running very faithfully as of late. No worries though, I'm no quitter! I can't wait to slip on my running shoes and pound the pavement alongside my favorite person in the world.

I picture her and I gracefully running together...the picture of the perfect mother-daughter bond. Then I come back to reality and realize that I'll be a wheezing wreck and I'll have to beg my 6 year old to slow down for my geriatric butt.

Que sara sara...and all that junk.

I May Not Be The Fastest But At Least I'm Not The Lastest!

2009-09-14T16:08:00.004-04:00

I've said this several hundred...thousand...maybe MILLION times over the last 6 months: Running is not easy for me. I'm not a naturally athletic person. No matter how much I run, it will never be easy for me. Yet, I still get out there and do it. I run slowly and I'm not exactly something special to see. I have good weeks when I run almost everyday and then I have terrible weeks where I run ZERO...ZILCH...NADA.

I sign up for race after race and tell myself:

"This is my break-through run. I will do this run and not whine about pain, I will ignore my screaming muscles and joints, push through and be victorious!"

That's usually prior to having the starting gun go off and me being left in the dust by children and seniors alike. *sigh* I admit, I can be what others call "overly-dramatic".

I'm serious about being left behind by almost everyone though. I'm slow-I've said it before in the above paragraph and probably several below this also in other posts.

The race that I did on Sunday was a 5K for a local fire department. I'm not going to name it because I'm NEVER, EVER, EVER running in it again. Why? Because not only was the actual event disorganized to the point that I didn't know what time to be there, where to be, or if the race was still scheduled or cancelled. Here's the kicker though, folks:

People cheated.

Go ahead and re-read that if you have to....you know, just in case you couldn't process it the first time. Yes, runners and walkers alike were witnessed cheating by my very own eyes. I watched one woman who was behind me run to the 2 mile marker and turn and run back the direction she came from which cut off over 1 mile of her run. Think of the time advantage that gave her. There were people who skipped over the entire last 2 miles because they avoided that portion of the course.

I was in pain, I ran the entire blessed course and I HURT. These dirty cheaters got better times than me because they CHEATED. I wanted to tackle them when I came across the finish line. They were lucky they were no where near the refreshment table when I was there because I would have stuffed bagels down their shorts and kicked them in their shins.

What type of people CHEAT at a 5K that's for charity? If you don't know, I can point you in the direction of where they live.

Now, I'll cut them some slack...this was the first year for this race. I'm sure that every race has it's hiccups but these were not just slight hiccups...these were gas bubbles the size of Texas that they need to work out. It's bad enough that I know I'm not a strong runner but to have someone pour salt in the wound by blatantly cheating is beyond me. That's just not in the true spirit of the sport of running. I came out of this race extremely discouraged and ready to retire my running shoes for good until I was told by my husband that he was proud of me because even though running does not come naturally or easily for me, I keep doing it and I refuse to give up.

Well, snap. I guess I can't quit now.

I'm A Pretzel...A Soft One

2009-08-19T11:11:00.003-04:00

I went to a yoga class the other day. I've tried yoga before and I haven't really enjoyed it because of numerous reasons starting with the fact that I'm not flexible, graceful, or able to keep a straight face when someone tells me to do "positive self-talk". What? I'm sorry, I just can't do it. I guess I'm just not at one with my chakras enough to do that. Speaking of chakras...what are they exactly? Because if you ask me...they sound a little, um, dirty. Perhaps that's my problem-dirty chakras!

I went to this class because I was invited and because it was free. I have a hard time saying no to the above 2 things. I hate disappointing people by turning down an invitation and who doesn't love free stuff? If you happen to know someone who doesn't like free stuff then keep them away from me because that's just silly. Then again, maybe send them my way and I can have their free stuff and my free stuff. It's a win/win if you ask me.

The instructor was your typical middle-aged, thin, tye-dye wearing, granola chick. Like most women like this I was immediately drawn to her. I don't know why. Maybe it's the inner-hippy in me trying to get out. She then proceeded to contort us into knots that a sailor would have proud of. She did mention as she was telling us to put our opposite hand and foot in the air and focus on our breathing that this was more of a Pilate's style workout. Uh-huh. Might want to mention that prior to people making a decision to attend! Yoga is supposed to relax, right? I was sweating just as much as if I just ran 4 miles...in the heat...quickly. Oh, and just for toots and giggles she covered the air conditioning vents! Yay! It was so hot in there one guy had to sit out because he almost threw up. Even if I wanted to throw up I wouldn't have been able to get out of the position that she put us in.

I'm still not so sure that yoga is something that I want to throw into my workout rotation but it was nice to get out and do something different. I get bored very easily and I think that the key to keeping things fresh and new and exciting, for me at least, is to throw something like this into the cycle of torture that I like to call "physical fitness".

Train Wreck...Choo Choo

2009-08-10T15:16:00.006-04:00

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth and no, I haven't given up running. I have my next 5K, The Great Train Race, coming up in about 12 days or so. I'm nervous about this because The Sprite will not be running with me because she's jetting off to California to visit her mom.

The nerve of her.

Don't worry about me though, I've tricked 2 other people to run this with me. Neither of which have ever run a 5K. Hee hee. This may just make me look GOOD.

There are a couple of things that I'm going to switch up for this race. I plan on wearing shorts this time instead of long pants. At about mile 2 I don't give a flip if my legs are jiggling because I'm HOT and I want my leg skin to BREATHE! The first 5K I ran was in cooler weather, I was fine so I foolishly decided that I would wear the same type of outfit to the one in July...STOOOPID. The second thing I'm switching up is I'm going to wear my iPod.

Why have I not been wearing it-you ask?

For the same reason I wore long pants to road race in July. It's right up there, people...I'll wait for you to go re-read it and come back. You know, you should really take your time and absorb the words that you're reading so you don't have to go back and re-read...but I digress...Yes, the answer to the question of why I haven't worn my iPod to any races is because again, I'm stupid aka STOOOPID. The other reason I haven't worn it is because all the race rules I've ever read say that you can wear iPods but they're discouraged because "a road race is a social event yada yada yada."

Guess what? Ms. Antisocial-iPod-short-wearer has come to town.

I feel like a rebel.

Just don't tell my mom.

Hopefully I can get my caboose (get it? caboose?) across the finish line in under 28 minutes.

Really?

2009-07-29T17:04:00.003-04:00

Oh gawd...are you serious? How many walls can one ridiculously slow runner hit before she feels that running may really not be her "thing"? I have to run...I have to run...I have to run. But do I, really? When can I expect to start enjoying the run? When do my shins start to feel good during a run? When will my legs carry me faster than a 10 minute mile? I feel like a geriatric midget. I want to run faster but it seems that my body does not want to run faster. Maybe I could convince someone to find a rabid pit bull and let it chase me? I think that would help me run faster.

Maybe.

Then again, I may just decide to give up and become din din for the rabid pit bull. I think I'd go well with a nice Chianti, don't you think?

I believe that my answer is intervals. Now I just have to figure out how intervals work. From what I've read, intervals are sprinting and jogging mixed into one painful, horrible, mind challenging run. I've heard they work for increasing speed and distance. If I'm wrong I'd love someone to throw me a bone here...

Picture Perfect...

2009-07-24T13:48:00.006-04:00

Pre-race check in...At this point, panic and anxiety had set in. Good thing the porta-potties were right there. Ah, anxiety.

Very near the finish line. Proof that I have lost my mind: The smile on my face. Running and smiling should not go hand in hand. That would indicate that running is enjoyable and not the painful torture it truly is. I am guilty of false adverstisement here.

The Sprite and I taking our place sticks. Still smiling...Why? Oh, that's right, because I was done running.

Full blown laughter. I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was the pure joy coursing through my veins because my lungs did not explode and both my knees were still functioning.

**Photos taken by Jason Miller www.toledophotoguy.com

The Rose Run

2009-07-19T15:49:00.016-04:00

I did it!

The Rose Run was yesterday, July 18, 2009 at 8:30 am in Petersburg, Michigan. There was a fantastic turnout and it was inspiring and painful at the same time. There was the physical pain of the run, of course...I mean, who do you think I am? But at the same time, there was the pain of heartbreak and loss during the many times that I stopped and actually realized why I was there.

Rose is gone.

Rose, the mother of one of my very best childhood friends is gone. The woman who baked the most outstanding chocolate chip cookies, who always had a smile on her face, who welcomed everyone into her home...the woman who knew me from the time I was in elementary school through college...weddings and babies; was not there. We wouldn't be running this race, we wouldn't have to, if she was still with us. It was a bittersweet moment.

As I lined up with the Sprite at the starting line; I stood there and looked around at the faces of old friends, Rose's family members, and faces of people who never knew Rose. I know that she would have been proud of everyone but most of all, she would have been overwhelmed with pride for her daughter, Jessica, who organized the event.

As we waited at the starting line, we were all handed a red balloon with a tag on it that simply stated: "In honor and memory Rose Marie Hunt". We released the balloons at the start of the race and it was a beautiful statement. Rose would have loved it I'm sure. There were several times during the race that I begged the Sprite not to let me stop...I had hurt my knee somehow the day prior to the race and that was bothering me. I kept going though with the support of her. Darn it, I wanted to stop a few times though! Running hurts. *sigh*

You know what the kicker is? I put my name in a raffle to win a free entry for next year's Rose Run and I won. Is that a sign that I can't quit running? I think so. Jessica called me today to tell me that they had drawn my name. I was so excited and then I realized that this means I can't stop running...I have to keep it up. I'm good with that. I can't believe it but I am happy to have that goal to keep me going. Whatever it takes, right? So, be prepared for more whining and sarcasm from me in the future about running and any other physical fitness obsessions I may take on.

Thanks, Rose. I know you were there yesterday looking down on all of us. You're missed by everyone who knew you. Below is a quote from Rose prior to her passing away...Jessica asked her what advice she wanted to pass on and this is what she said...

"Be Happy. Be a family. That's it." -Rose Hunt

I think that says it all. Don't you?

Gone Running

2009-07-16T12:22:00.006-04:00

*Nike women's running campaign ad

Self-Reflection

2009-07-14T15:52:00.003-04:00

There are moments in life that cause us to step back, pause, and re-evaluate who we are, what we do, and where we are going. Throughout the last few months of training I've discovered much about who I am deep down inside. Sometimes I wasn't very happy with what I found...stubbornness and the lack of willpower were the 2 things that I have faced over and over again head on. It was a constant test of my resolve when I got home at night, usually at 6:30 or 7:00 pm to get out and run or move my body in some way other than lifting dinner into my mouth and flopping down on the couch. I have to admit that guilt has been creeping in there lately too. Sometimes my daughter will look at me and beg me not to go for a run or workout. She just wants me and that's all there is to it. I give in sometimes because she is ultimately the most important thing in this life to me. That's when the guilt from not running or working out kicks in. Does it ever end?

I tell myself if I had better work hours or a cleaning service or prepared more meals the night before then things would be easier. I have this running banter in my head everyday! It's enough to make someone wither into a blubbering mess of ridiculousness, seriously. I try to convince myself that I'm setting a good example for my little munchkin and she'll learn the importance of health and exercise from me. Will she? Am I kidding myself? I grew up in a household with 2 parents who were thin naturally, they didn't have to exercise and I value physical health. Perhaps I just notice that I'm physically different from my parents and if I don't exercise I'll become horribly overweight. Even with exercise I have several pounds that I need to lose....*sigh*

This is a heavy post, eh? Shoot...does anyone have a caffeinated, mocha, Valium, Prozac, latte handy?

A Bit Of Anxiety

2009-07-13T12:39:00.007-04:00

Look at my countdown clock over yonder-------------->

Less than a week to go.

*breathing into a paperbag*

I'm feeling a bit woozy.

Why I Don't Need A Personal Trainer

2009-07-07T16:49:00.006-04:00

I have a daughter, Megan; she's 6 years old and she is now acting like Richard Simmons incarnate. I asked her on Sunday if she'd like to ride her bike with me while I ran and she gave a very enthusiastic "YES!" to me. Great, I thought, I can get her outside and get my run done at the same time. Brilliant idea. Bravo, I say.

What was I thinking?!? Did you know that a 6 year old can ride their bike approximately 963.2 miles per hour? Did you know that at that speed they cannot hear their winded hippo of a mother screaming in a slightly emphysemic tone to "SLOW DOWN!"? Neither did I.

So, later that same night, in my never ending genius way of thinking I ask Megan: "Do you want to do a workout video with Mommy tomorrow?" and of course in her best Richard Simmons imitation she says: "YES!" At this point you may be asking yourself what I was thinking and my honest answer is that I have no idea, maybe exhaustion from sprinting after my 6 year old had clouded my judgement. Moving on...

My phone rang today. Seems her father thought it was wise to let her call me. Do you want to know what the first words out of her mouth were? "Mommy, remember you said I could work out with you today? What are we going to do? Which video are we going to play? What's Tae Bo?...." That's the only reason she wanted to call me. She didn't beg to go play at her friend's house, she didn't ask where her Webkinz were; the only reason she called was to remind me that we were working out and I wasn't getting out of it. You have got to be kidding me. Is this some kind of divine intervention? Has God decided that the only way to motivate me is through my little girl morphing into some fitness dictator?

The child is harder on me than a personal trainer but at least I don't have to pay her.

Like A Sloth...Only Taller And With Less Fur...

2009-07-06T14:11:00.005-04:00

I admit it, people; I've been lazy. Not "lazy" as in "I-didn't-run-for-2-days-and-I-drank-whole-milk-instead-of-2%-lazy"..."lazy" as in "I-haven't-run-since-last-week-and-I-have-a-5K-that-I'm-running-in-my-hometown-which-means-that-I'm-going-to-have-to-get-my-butt-in-gear-or-suffer-the-embarrassment-of-mouth-to-mouth-resuscitation-by-someone-on-the-volunteer- fire-department-that-probably-graduated-from-high-school-at-least-8-years-after-me-lazy".

Are we on the same page?

Good.

Oh, Power 90 and Tim?...Tom?...OHHHHH, it's TONY Horton. Tim makes wicked donuts, Tom was a guy I went to high school with; but Tony Horton, however, is the fitness nazi in the Power 90 videos and he HATES me. I had a plan, a glorious plan, to not only run but to incorporate the Power 90 videos, the strength training portion, into my workouts. I lasted a day. Yes, 1 day. So here I am a couple of weeks away, give or take a few days, and I'm not doing so hot. Yet, the only thing I seem to be truly concerned about is where we'll be able to park the day of the race. What is wrong with me? I mean, I don't want to have to park too far away because then I'll use up all my precious energy walking to the starting line, right? As we've explored before, I am NOT one of those freaks of nature who runs to a run. No, sir. That does not make my boat float at all, my friends.

I need to refocus. Instead of parking anxiety, I should figure out how not to die or embarrass myself in...oh...11 or so days.

The Final Countdown

2009-06-30T12:33:00.008-04:00

The journey is almost complete for me. Look at my countdown clock and you'll see that I have less than 20 days to go until the 5K that I originally set out to train for. In the meantime, I've managed to go from running less than half of a mile to running a little over 3 straight miles and I'll let you in on a little secret...I could probably run farther than that. I've had great runs and terrible runs...gosh, that just doesn't sound right, does it?

I've had minor injuries, I've ran through rain, cold, heat, wind, hills, and vicious dogs; so what if they were on the other side of a fence? Stop judging me. I've pushed myself to the limit and I've wimped out and accepted that some days you're the pigeon and other days you're the statue; if you know what I mean. I ran my first 5K almost 2 months before I had planned to ever run that distance. I gained a running buddy who makes these workouts and planning these races bearable; she has never let me give up and she wouldn't let me beat myself up for missed workouts.

I still don't really like running. I'm just not a natural born runner. I'm going to keep doing it though because there were those that thought I'd never stick to it; that it was passing phase. I love to prove people wrong. It's that sadistic streak I have in me. I mean, it's not like I carry a whip and make people kiss my feet or anything...I just like to have the satisfaction of knowing that I did something that others thought I wouldn't and/or couldn't do. Those "In Your Face" moments are priceless; call me what you will.

I dare you.

I'm kidding.

Sort of.

The question in my mind now is: Do I stop blogging? The event that I started this blog for is almost here and gone. Do I continue with the running theme or do you think I could throw some other useless experiences that I have on here? Does anyone even care?

Good-bye, cruel world!

I'm so dramatic.

I guess I'll make the decision to continue on with some form of verbal vomit after I finish The Rose Run and post about that. This was one of the best decisions that I've made for myself, I have to admit. I found strength that I didn't know I had and I have been able to accept the areas of weakness also.

Thanks, Rose for being that inspiration and not indigestion.

Water You Lookin' At?

2009-06-19T14:52:00.004-04:00

To keep with the theme of hydration I would like to add a rant. About water bottles. There is this new fad that has taken over the universe of bottled water...this fad is the "eco-friendly, 50% plastic" water bottle. In other words, it's a piece of crap water bottle that is so thin the minute you open it even the most delicate of grip will send the water shooting out the top of the bottle onto anything and everything within at least a mile radius.

Take my most recent bottled water purchase. Please. Har-dee-har-har.

Seriously, I'm sitting at my desk and gently I open the cap and a tidal wave of $2.00 water splashes down my arm, drenches paperwork on my desk, and splashes all over the crotch of my light grey dress pants...can you say "somebody looks like they could use some Depends"? Argh.

I'm all about saving the earth and all the baby animals and peace and harmony, recycling and reusing but I'm putting my foot down. Right. Now. I want the old, 50% more plastic, eco-unfriendly but non-geyser like water bottles back. I need hydration on the inside not the outside you tree-hugging, Birkenstock wearing, bottle manufacturing, hippies! I don't want to feel like I need to don a raincoat just to open my Aquafina!

I need to go put some dry pants on.

Pee Like A Racehorse...

2009-06-17T10:38:00.009-04:00

I have new respect for this phrase...which I actually happen to use a lot. I'm not even really sure what it means. Let's see...Oh, Yahoo Answers, my dear friend, holder of all knowledge of pointless thoughts and things tell me what this means...

"Racehorses are commonly given Lasix ( aka Salix) which is a powerful diuretic. They pee a lot right before they race, we're talking gallons and gallons. The medication is thought to help prevent nasal bleeding, which sometimes happens when racehorses supremely over-exert themselves."

Aha. That makes sense now. So, onto the reason for the chart posted up there. It's a pee chart. You can compare the color of your pee to see how close or not you are to dehydration. Print it out and laminate it for handy use at festivals, restaurants and beach trips!

You can thank me later.

**Just in case you can't read the captions under each color swatch-and really, you need to because they are freaking hilarious! From left to right...

1. Overly hydrated spectator

2. Hydrated spectator

3. Spectator with mild hangover

4. Spectator who jogged to several viewing points

5. Well-hydrated walker/jogger who made it to mile 19.

6. Finisher who got to know everybody's names at all water stations

7. Ran well within heart rate threshold, was able to chat throughout race

8. Pushed body steadily throughout race, no major surges, achieved goal time

9. Looked at The Wall at mile 23 and pushed through it. PR'd. Ideal level of exertion and common sense.

10. Laughed when body said slow down. Negative split the marathon. Still able to go to the post race party.

11. Ignored critical water stations to shave seconds. Party is a big maybe.

12. Whoopsie. This level of masochism has a name **"Rhabdomyolysis". Skip party. See doctor.

**Rhabdomyolysis-is the breakdown of muscle fibers resulting in the release of muscle fiber contents (myoglobin) into the bloodstream. Some of these are harmful to the kidney and frequently result in kidney damage. Fun stuff.

That's How I Roll

2009-06-15T16:23:00.004-04:00

So, here I am minding my own business getting ready for this 5K when BAM! I hit a wall.

No, I hadn't been drinking and it was not a literal wall.

An inspiration brick wall. Kind of like writer's block but it's runner's block. Are you following me here? I was able to prove to myself that I could run a 5K and now I'm just not all that impressed by it. At all. Yep, I pretty much think that I have got to be the world's biggest wimp that I'm not jumping up and down at the thought of a 10K or a half marathon.

I guess it's normal human behavior to want to reach higher and higher...but I digress into a Van Halen song...

I haven't been on a long run in at least a week. I'm ashamed and not looking forward to the pain that I will put myself through on my next run. I know that I will swear that my shins are going to explode, I will get a stitch in my side that feels like one of my kidneys is trying to gnaw it's way out of my body and I will look like a winded hippo. What a picture.

Get this though, The Sprite is actually getting into running. She got a jogging stroller for her daughter even. She woke up early one morning and ran. On the weekend. Very impressive. She even mapped out a new route for us to run.

Before long we'll tackle that 10K and maybe even a half marathon...but then again maybe I'll just try to keep my expectations more realistic.

Rewind

2009-06-04T14:18:00.003-04:00

Whoops! Forgot to post the place that I took in that there yonder 5K mentioned below. In my age group, 30-34 year olds, I placed 37th out of 162 people. Yay me.

That still doesn't change the fact that an 80 year old man still came in well before me.

*sigh*

I knew you were on the edge of your seat just waiting for that information.

That is all. Over and out. 10-4 good buddy.

Kicking Asphalt

2009-06-03T09:58:00.007-04:00

Here it is. The proof that I ran in the 5K. This is a picture that I HATE. I LOATHE this picture with all of my heart and soul. I look like I'm doing some strange half run, half walk, half dying thing. Not only that but of course I look like a giant next to The Sprite. Now, I know that I have been protecting her from the spotlight...didn't want to embarrass her or anything.

That is all over.

I want to preface this by saying that I love Alicia The Sprite, I do but she posted race pictures of her and I on Facebook. She says that I should be proud of them and I am but I look like crap and place me next to her and I look like crap with an extra side of crap. She's bouncing along all sprite-like and I'm all hips, thighs and sweat next to her.

Moving on...The night before the run I made sure that I was in bed early, I iced my shins, took Advil, coated my legs with Sports Creme, drank what felt like gallons of water and went to bed early. We're talking 9:00pm early. I had a nightmare about not being able to wake up and missing the race. It was awful and anxiety producing to say the very least.

I woke up at 6:30am because we had to pick up our race packets by 8:15am in downtown Ann Arbor. As we drove into Ann Arbor we saw people actually running to pick up their packets. These people were running to a run. It boggles the mind. Since we had to pick up our packets by 8:15am and the race didn't start until 9:05am we had some time to kill once we got to the starting area. The Sprite and I decided to spend that time freezing our asses off and making fun of the other people that were there. Oh and feeling inadequate when we spotted not just one but two very pregnant woman who were going to participate in the race.

There was the guy who wore a kilt which prompted me to wonder if he was wearing it the traditional way; sans underthings. Then there was the girl who walked around with half of her very short shorts tucked into her underwear-how did she not feel a draft? There was a crotchety old guy that went on and on to the guy next to him about how there were "no REAL runners here at all! Just look at these people!" That was annoying. Finally, as I was eavesdropping on yet another conversation, I found the biggest tool there. Imagine a skinny, short, middle aged guy dressed in spandex gear and holding a Starbucks cup.

Got it so far? Let your imagination take over.

As he's standing there sipping on his venti-grande-latte-low-fat-no-foam-extra-caf-overpriced coffee his friend walks up. Mr. Starbucks, who I will now call The Tool from now on, slaps his friend on the shoulder and says very loudly and with utter seriousness: "I hope you brought your 'A' game!!"

Oh yes he did. At a 5K. Wearing spandex and sipping his Starbucks. What a major tool. I've been trying to convince The Sprite to have tshirts made with that saying on them but she just rolls her eyes at me and tells me to shut the heck up. Not really. She just rolls her eyes at me but wouldn't that make her seem tough?

As we lined up for the starting line I was so nervous I felt like I was going to throw up. I have a bad habit of throwing up when I get anxious about things. The Sprite told me that I needed to relax. Sure. It took us 9 minutes and 8 seconds to get to the starting line after the gun went off. We were like cattle being sent to slaughter and I even muttered a "moo" at one point. After that everything was a bit of a blur. There were a lot of hills. I am convinced that hills are sent from hades now. I've never run hills and I know now why I don't run them. They are pain inducing mounds of evil.

Some of the highlights that I remember from the race include the fact that we were almost run over by several strollers when we were running downhill on a gravel section of the course, The lady that had Prince playing so loudly from her ear buds that I felt like I was at a dance club and the fact that I wanted to stop so badly at about mile 2 1/2 that I had to beg Alicia to not let me. The spectators were great. They were so encouraging!

Finally, the finish line was in view. I was almost afraid it was just a mirage that my battered body had conjured up. The finish line was actually uphill, it wasn't steep but it was a steady incline. How cruel is that? As we neared the finish I got a sudden burst of adrenaline and sprinted the last 50ft or so. Then it was all over. I was handed a water bottle and ushered out. That was when the muscle pains started and have not stopped. It was worth it though. It really was.

I'm looking forward to my next organized run. Just don't tell anyone I said that.

A Call For Prayers!

2009-06-02T10:38:00.006-04:00

OK, I know I still haven't posted the gory details of my run or pictures but listen, you guys know I'm a super dork and I'll get it all up in due time...maybe tonight? Don't hold me to that though.

I just found out that Carrie Samples (this girl is an inspiration to all of us for real) has to go back in for another surgery. I don't know the details but she may have posted it on her page which is linked over there on my sidebar...do you see it? No, it's on the right and down a bit...there you go.

Click on it. Read her story. I dare you not to want to do something, anything about cancer and all it affects. If you are not amazed by this little chicky you are not human.

Above all, regardless of what your spiritual persuasion may be, pray for her...send her positive energy...light a candle...um...whatever you choose to do is up to you but keep her in your thoughts.

Go Carrie!

Proof Someone Actually READS My Blog

2009-06-01T14:30:00.011-04:00

So, I got an award. It's soooo fun. Actually I got 2 awards but only one actually had directions on what to do with it so since I'm new to this blog thing I'm going to just run with it. Excuse the really bad pun.

The steps to becoming a Queen are...(I hope I can figure this out.)

1. List Seven Things That Make You Awe-Summm!

2. Pass the award on to seven bloggers you read religiously.

3. Tag those seven bloggers.

4. Don't forget to link the Queen that tagged you.

5. Copy the pic of the Queen and put it on your sidebar.

Seven Things That Make Me Awe-Summm are:

1. I cut the plastic rings from soda apart before I throw them away so that animals don't get caught in them. Love those furry, feathered, fish-face friends!

2. I can and will and DO laugh at myself.

3. I can do a mean Running Man.

4. I don't hold grudges. Seriously, I've really tried to do this and trust me there are somethings that I should hold grudges about but it's a totally impossible thing for me to do.

5. I have a container veggie garden on my back deck and they've survived almost a month. I think that's pretty frickin' awesummmm.

6. I ran my first 5K May 31 and I lived.

7. I can blow a bubble inside another bubble using Hubba Bubba gum. Bubble Gum flavor only.

I now nominate the following blogs as QUEEN! Some are old, some are new, some are borrowed and some are....blue? Eek, sorry about that, Daddy Scratches...

This Complicated Life

Vodka Mom

Fawty

Daddy Scratches (Hey, men can be royalty too!)

Life With Heathens

Comedy Goddess

Mom Who Drinks and Cusses

I'm No Longer A Virgin...

2009-05-31T15:23:00.004-04:00

A road race virgin...you bunch of pervs. Get your dirty minds out of the gutter.

I finished my first 5K today and I have the tshirt to prove it! The Dexter/Ann Arbor 5K was perfect this morning. The weather was cool, dry, and breezy. The route was scenic albeit a bit hilly. I''ll post pics and after I figure out my finishing place I'll post that also.

I'll also post about the several times I thought I was dying, the story about the tool that I heard say to his buddy: "I hope you brought your A game today!!!!", and the fact that without my running partner I may have just curled up on the pavement and sucked my thumb at one point. I do know that The Sprite and I finished the 5K in 29 minutes and some odd seconds. There were about 2000 people in the 5K from what I read.

Amazing.

I'm not DEAD!

SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!

2009-05-27T12:36:00.006-04:00

My first 5K is this Sunday, May 31, 2009 at 9:05am.

The proof is in the puddin'. Can I do this? Will I be able to run the entire 3.1 miles without oh...dying? That is the question, my friends.

Monday afternoon The Sprite and I ran about 2.75 miles. That's purty durn good if I do say so myself. I may not be running fast but I can outlast several people I'm sure. The real motivation behind this run is the fact that Taste of Ann Arbor is pretty much at the finish line. WHAT?!? You've never heard of this event?

Click...here... http://mainstreetannarbor.org/2009/04/taste-of-ann-arbor-may-31-2009/

Oh, it's good. I haven't been there in about 8 or 9 years. It's some good schtuff. Food and drink vendors galore. Tickets for tasting are only .50 a piece. Ok, can you say heaven? Say it: heaven.

***Breaking news...Not only will the food and entertainment be phenomenal but there will be FREE massages being offered too!!! *shrieking like a school girl*

Now, who really knows if I'll feel up to staying and perusing this good ole time but at this point I'm throwing my hat over the fence and saying that I will be in attendance.

Back to the technical mumbo jumbo...the expo for the run is the day before at a local high school. Alicia aka The Sprite and I need to still officially register there. I've never done a run, I've never attended an expo and to be honest, I'm nervous about the whole thing. So, sometime betwixt 2pm and 6pm we will be registering at the expo on Saturday, May 30, 2009. I've heard that there are running vendors there too so maybe I'll have the opportunity to pick up some sweet socks. It's the small stuff that keeps me going really.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. My very first official run! I feel like I'm going to either explode with excitement or throw up from nervousness and it's only Wednesday. I was doing some research pertaining to my fear of running actually killing me. Turns out, running won't kill me-I'll just pass out first.

Knowing is half the battle.

I'm On Fire...In A Bad Way

2009-05-21T11:40:00.008-04:00

Yesterday was a beautiful day. It was a perfect day to sit on the back deck, open a frosty beer and heckle the people walking by on the trail behind my house. It was not a beautiful day to go running. But guess what the heck I did? I went running. O to the M to the G. What was I thinking? It was 80 degrees out, full sun, no breeze and I'm not what one would call a "strong runner" or a "happy runner"...you get the picture. I sweat and whine. A lot.

I get home from work and I get suited up with the proper running capris, tank and-this is the part where everything started to go terribly wrong-a new sports bra. You see, I have 1 sports bra that keeps my throw pillows from flopping about-and everyone knows that "flopping" is the number one cause of running injuries, right? I had planned a short run and I didn't really think that a new sports bra would make much of a difference. Now I know that I was terribly, horribly, ridiculously WRONG. Oh, and I forgot to put a few swipes of Body Glide on the inside of my thighs because "there's just no way that they'll burst into flames on such a short run. Ha. Ha. He. Ho. Ha." Look at me, I'm an idiot.

After the first mile I was hurting a bit. Actually, I was hurting a lot and I kept telling myself to just push through it...fight the power and all that inspirational BS. Coming into my second mile is when I started to feel the tingle of 9th degree burns along the straps of my sports bra. Um, ouch. Then it actually started to IGNITE. I felt like every time I swung my arms that my skin was being dragged across sand paper and doused with lemon juice and a pinch of salt just to add insult to injury. Just as I started to realize that the pain around my arms was not getting any better the inside of my thighs started to sizzle. And by "sizzle" I mean "catch on fire". Oh my.

The good thing about this was that I forgot about the pain from my shins. Another good thing that I learned was that I will NEVER go for any length of run EVER again without Body Glide and a sports bra that fits me well. The bad thing? My inner thighs and my underarm area looked like I had some mutated form of leprosy. I'm a disgusting specimen of womanhood. Avert your eyes.

The Universe Has Been Kind To Me

2009-05-19T09:40:00.006-04:00

My horoscope yesterday was right on, people. I had one of the best runs to date last night. My shins didn't start bothering me until about mile 2 and I kept going for another 1/2 mile. I've broken through the barrier! I'm not walking like Frankenstein today either which is huge bonus. People tend to look at me funny when I walk like that...it's starting to give me a slight complex.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm still not feeling like I could train for a marathon or anything that crazy. I still ache a bit. I did purchase some Sports creme this morning to slather on my feet and shins...it says it's "odorless". We'll see about that. I wonder if I put it on while I'm running if it will numb the pain emanating from my shins? That's probably not one of the best ideas I've had...it's by far not the worst though.

Trust me on that one.

I am starting to feel slightly geriatric in between the large doses of Advil, the Sports creme, having to ice various parts of my body, and the limp/hobble/whimper mix that I've been doing for the last 9 weeks. Does every new runner go through this? Is it just me in my pathetic effort to finally become an athlete? And while we're at it...How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

The world may never know.

My Horoscope For Today

2009-05-18T14:40:00.004-04:00

"Pisces: This is a super day to go out and do something that involves a lot of high energy. "

Like running?

Running involves high energy.

Oh, yes it does.

Clearly, this is my day to shine!

What?

It has to be the truth, my horoscope said it was.

Keepin' It Real

2009-05-15T11:00:00.010-04:00

See Melanie run! Run, Melanie, Run!

Or hobble, limp, and cry...whichever comes more naturally.

This is proof that I'm actually running. This is also proof that I'm in pain while I run and it also demonstrates why I needed to buy Body Glide for my combustable thighs. Alicia was in this picture also but this is about my humiliation, right? I don't need to post a potentially embarassing photo of her and lose my closest friend. You can thank me later, Lish, for cropping you out.

Look at my face...What possesses someone to do something that causes that expression?

Remember to shield the children from this sight. Spare the innocent, I beg you!

Panic Attacks And Pride

2009-05-14T16:46:00.005-04:00

Hey.

Remember how I freaked out about The Rose Run being less than 100 days away?

Remember how I tried to talk myself out of giving up and resigning myself to the ranks of Quittersville?

Then maybe you also remember the fact that Alicia and I have decided to do the Dexter/Ann Arbor 5K on May 31st of this year.

That is 2 weeks away, my eager friends.

I don't like to swear...wait, that's a lie...oh shit. I know that I can run 2 miles straight without dropping over in some sort of seizure induced by running but a 5K is just over 3 miles. I haven't run that far yet. I can't even begin to wrap my ever delusional mind around that distance. You know, I read article after article about people that run marathons and I'm amazed at their athletic prowess. I 'ooh' and 'aah' over the fact that they are so hydrated they have to stop and pee in bushes every hour, I find the fact that they have blackened toenails or missing toenails really gross but in a "grrr, I eat people like you for breakfast" kind of way, but most of all I read about or talk to people who run anything over 2 miles a day and I feel like a loser of epic proportion.

Oh jeez, I totally suck.

But you know what? I don't care. I don't care how bad I suck or how many 95 year old women with bad hearts pass me.

Well...maybe I care a little bit. I haven't had a full-blown panic attack just yet. I've actually never had one of those to my knowledge but shoot; this is as good as any time to try one on for size.

With all my luck I'll have an attack the minute the run starts and The Sprite will have to kick me in the shins to get my butt going. Maybe if she ran in front of me with a bottle of wine...Hmm...

8 Essential Jogging Tips

2009-05-14T10:14:00.004-04:00

1. Loosen up first. The ideal method is to throw back at least 2 glasses of red wine. If the urge to jog persists, double the loosening exercise.

2. Check your resting pulse. If you can't find your pulse, check the pulse of a loved one. This is sometimes called "playing doctor" and, with any luck, will take your mind completely off running.

3. Never run if you are a short person (Clearly, I have not listened to this advice). Short persons (Ahem...I am not short, I am "vertically challenged".) are built too close to automobile exhaust pipes. The noxious fumes get into their brains and make them crazy and they try to bite buses, which can be pretty dicey, especially if the bus has not stopped.

4. Always wear - a) a sports bra, and b) a jockstrap. (Whichever applies to your "situation".). The worst jogging injuries result from flopping. Never wear both at once. At least not in public.

5. Children often taunt passing joggers. After a while, you will become accustomed to this and even grow to enjoy it, especially if you carry a golf putter and whack taunting children across the back of the head with it.

6. Dogs can be a threat. If a huge, vicious dog charges you and lunges at your throat, say "Down, boy!". If that doesn't work, show him your membership card from the Humane Society or the golf putter mentioned above..

7. Set your own pace. If you black out after five minutes, you are probably running too fast. If workman from the city come by and paint you green, you may be running too slow.

8. After jogging, check your pulse rate again. This time if you can't find it, you are quite possibly dead. Look at it this way: your corpse is sure in great shape.

Credits: Prairie Inn Harriers running club, Text copyright © by Prairie Inn Harriers running club.

A Poke In the Eye Would Feel Better

2009-05-08T09:58:00.000-04:00

Medial Tibial Syndrome, the proper medical name for shin splints, struck me down with a vengeance last night on my run. It's described in Wikipedia as a "painful condition in the shins".

Uh huh.

Painful is an understatement and for anyone that has had this condition, you know how absolutely suckish it is. On top of the pain I was angry at myself for doing something to cause this stupid condition...was it my stride? Was I landing too hard on my heels? Did I tie my shoes too tight? Were the running gods TRYING to make this sport even more unappealing to me?

My original plan was to run 2 1/2 miles last night and I only made it to 1 1/2 because the burning pain in my shins got so bad it actually brought tears to my eyes. Yes, running has finally brought me to weep. The pain was so intense at one point I wanted to lie down on the sidewalk and hope that someone would eventually come looking for me, preferably with a vehicle or wheelchair. I managed to haul my butt back to the house and to the freezer where I grabbed the first 2 bags of frozen vegetables I saw-edamame and green beans-and applied them directly to my shins. There is nothing like using a Japanese frozen veggie to alleviate pain. Trust me. I left them on until I could no longer feel my shins but the minute I took the cold compresses off the pain returned.

Well, that's downright discouraging.

How, may I ask you, am I going to run a 5K or even up the stairs with shin splints? I'm seriously starting to doubt myself here. Am I insane to think that my body...the body that has never been a runner...the body that is clearly not doing well with this whole running thing...can really do this?

I need some Advil. Stat.