Things That I Wish I Had The Nads To Say...

1. You have something in your teeth. It's been there since last week.

2. Stay out of my personal space. When you get too close to me I feel very stabby.

3. Stop letting someone else define who you are. It's very unattractive.

4. Leave him.

5. Treat your children as if they were precious not disposable.

6. I hate you so much that I can't even look at your car without throwing up in my mouth a little.

7. I don't want to act my age.

8. I hate that I can hate someone.

9. I would rather chew glass than eat your cooking.

10. I know you pooped in my bathroom and used all the toilet paper.

Who Doesn't LOVE The Beginning Of A New School Year?!? Um...ME.

I came to the realization the other day that school is about to resume. Where in the hizzle did the summer go?! This means that I'm going to have to wake up AT LEAST an hour earlier to get myself and my little love muffin ready and out the door in time.

I'm talking about my daughter, y'all...The Detective has been dressing himself on his own for years now.

My sweet princess is not much of a "sweet princess" in the morning either. I think she gets that from me because I can be quite a dragon in the wee hours of the start of a new day. Hard to believe, I know. Our mornings during the school year go something like this:

Me: (to my bundle of joy) "Wakey, wakey shaky bakey!"

Meg: *grumble*

Me: "Time to go to school! Yay! Let's not be late, sweetie!" *shaking Meg gently*

Meg: *her eyes fly open and glow red for a second just prior to screaming* "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL! I'm tired..."

Me: "C'mon Meg! Get up and get dressed! We're late!"

Meg: *growling* "NO!" *squirmflipfalloutofbedflop*

Me: *pulling pajamas off Meg* "Yes...you...are...going...now get over here and get dressed NOW!"

At this point I'm sweating and my work clothes are wrinkled. Most times I have a run in my stockings also. Megan is dressed though so SCORE!

Like the pack mule that I am, I deposit everything needed for her day and mine in the car. I get her hooked up and as I'm pulling out of the driveway she says:

"I have to go potty!"

Awesome. I love school.

Operation Beautiful

A wonderful friend of mine shared this idea and link with me today: Operation Beautiful. The tag line reads:

"Transforming the way you see yourself one post-it note at a time."

I love this idea so much that I had to share it with as many people as I could! You know I immediately threw a pen and a pad of post-it notes in my purse to do this. That's just how I roll, people. Here is an example of a note left in a random spot:

Who doesn't adore compliments?

The one place that I've decided against posting them is in or on a bathroom stall. I am ALL ABOUT making people smile but if I'm riding the porcelain throne; I don't want to see a note that screams "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL! YOU CAN DO IT! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!" while I'm dropping the kids off at the pool. Know what I mean?

One Reason My Daughter Is So Strange

I didn't get to hear this conversation first hand, unfortunately, but The Sprite (remember the Sprite...my bestie and running partner?) told me about it after the fact.

Scene: Megan just got home from gymnastics and is still in her leotard. She's playing in the front yard with the neighbor kids. The adults are standing nearby talking. The Sprite's brother in law, we'll call him Bobo, is there and says to Megan who is wearing her leotard:

Bobo: "Hey, Meg...are you leotarded?"

Meg: *blank stare* (She learned that from her mama...)

Just one of the many examples of how my friends and I have managed to warp my daughter into the weirdo she is today.

Everyone Loves Cookies!

Observe: The Fetus Cookie Cutter

Just think how cute this little fetus cookie cutter would be at your next oh...baby shower or bake sale!

The finished product! I would personally frost them pink and give them a red licorice umbilical cord. Nothing says "eat us!" more than a sugar cookie shaped as a fetus.

*retch*

Excessive Peppiness Makes Me Want To Punch Puppies

Seriously.

Have you ever had one of those days or even weeks when you're just tired or grumpy or perhaps both? I happen to be having one of those this very week!

Well, for some reason there seems to be some kind of gravitational pull or Newton's Law or full moon or some crap happening that makes me a freaking magnet for shiny, happy people. Gosh it makes me want to just scream! What is it about me that makes people want to say things like:

Peppy Person: "How are you today?!"

Me: *blank stare*

Peppy Person: (Ignoring my stare of death) "I'm just super! My life is perfect...I just got a promotion and a corner office with floor to ceiling windows....my husband was just nominated for Mr. sexy-sensitive-let's-me-sleep-in-while-he-takes-care-of-the-kids-and-cooks-gourmet-dinners-and-gives-me-foot-massages-without-expecting-sex. OH! Did I mention that I just got all new furniture and lost 40 pounds and received Botox?! I DID!"

Me: *crawling under my desk*

It's times like this when I wish I had a trap door in front of my desk that opened to a vat of angry alligators. Just the push of a button and.....ahhhhhh...peace and quiet.

What are these people on?!? More importantly...where can I get some?

And The Hits Keep Comin'...

Megan: "Mama, did you know that Nicole has fake toenails on?"

Me: "Yes, sweetie."

Megan: "That's just freaky...."




Yes, yes it is.