Thursday, May 14, 2009

8 Essential Jogging Tips

1. Loosen up first. The ideal method is to throw back at least 2 glasses of red wine. If the urge to jog persists, double the loosening exercise.

2. Check your resting pulse. If you can't find your pulse, check the pulse of a loved one. This is sometimes called "playing doctor" and, with any luck, will take your mind completely off running.

3. Never run if you are a short person (Clearly, I have not listened to this advice). Short persons (Ahem...I am not short, I am "vertically challenged".) are built too close to automobile exhaust pipes. The noxious fumes get into their brains and make them crazy and they try to bite buses, which can be pretty dicey, especially if the bus has not stopped.

4. Always wear - a) a sports bra, and b) a jockstrap. (Whichever applies to your "situation".). The worst jogging injuries result from flopping. Never wear both at once. At least not in public.

5. Children often taunt passing joggers. After a while, you will become accustomed to this and even grow to enjoy it, especially if you carry a golf putter and whack taunting children across the back of the head with it.

6. Dogs can be a threat. If a huge, vicious dog charges you and lunges at your throat, say "Down, boy!". If that doesn't work, show him your membership card from the Humane Society or the golf putter mentioned above..

7. Set your own pace. If you black out after five minutes, you are probably running too fast. If workman from the city come by and paint you green, you may be running too slow.

8. After jogging, check your pulse rate again. This time if you can't find it, you are quite possibly dead. Look at it this way: your corpse is sure in great shape.

Credits: Prairie Inn Harriers running club, Text copyright © by Prairie Inn Harriers running club.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

the humane society card?? love it. wish i was running with you, sharing your adventure. :*(