I'm No Longer A Virgin...

A road race virgin...you bunch of pervs. Get your dirty minds out of the gutter.

I finished my first 5K today and I have the tshirt to prove it! The Dexter/Ann Arbor 5K was perfect this morning. The weather was cool, dry, and breezy. The route was scenic albeit a bit hilly. I''ll post pics and after I figure out my finishing place I'll post that also.

I'll also post about the several times I thought I was dying, the story about the tool that I heard say to his buddy: "I hope you brought your A game today!!!!", and the fact that without my running partner I may have just curled up on the pavement and sucked my thumb at one point. I do know that The Sprite and I finished the 5K in 29 minutes and some odd seconds. There were about 2000 people in the 5K from what I read.

Amazing.

I'm not DEAD!

SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!

My first 5K is this Sunday, May 31, 2009 at 9:05am.

The proof is in the puddin'. Can I do this? Will I be able to run the entire 3.1 miles without oh...dying? That is the question, my friends.

Monday afternoon The Sprite and I ran about 2.75 miles. That's purty durn good if I do say so myself. I may not be running fast but I can outlast several people I'm sure. The real motivation behind this run is the fact that Taste of Ann Arbor is pretty much at the finish line. WHAT?!? You've never heard of this event?

Click...here... http://mainstreetannarbor.org/2009/04/taste-of-ann-arbor-may-31-2009/

Oh, it's good. I haven't been there in about 8 or 9 years. It's some good schtuff. Food and drink vendors galore. Tickets for tasting are only .50 a piece. Ok, can you say heaven? Say it: heaven.

***Breaking news...Not only will the food and entertainment be phenomenal but there will be FREE massages being offered too!!! *shrieking like a school girl*

Now, who really knows if I'll feel up to staying and perusing this good ole time but at this point I'm throwing my hat over the fence and saying that I will be in attendance.

Back to the technical mumbo jumbo...the expo for the run is the day before at a local high school. Alicia aka The Sprite and I need to still officially register there. I've never done a run, I've never attended an expo and to be honest, I'm nervous about the whole thing. So, sometime betwixt 2pm and 6pm we will be registering at the expo on Saturday, May 30, 2009. I've heard that there are running vendors there too so maybe I'll have the opportunity to pick up some sweet socks. It's the small stuff that keeps me going really.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. My very first official run! I feel like I'm going to either explode with excitement or throw up from nervousness and it's only Wednesday. I was doing some research pertaining to my fear of running actually killing me. Turns out, running won't kill me-I'll just pass out first.

Knowing is half the battle.

I'm On Fire...In A Bad Way

Yesterday was a beautiful day. It was a perfect day to sit on the back deck, open a frosty beer and heckle the people walking by on the trail behind my house. It was not a beautiful day to go running. But guess what the heck I did? I went running. O to the M to the G. What was I thinking? It was 80 degrees out, full sun, no breeze and I'm not what one would call a "strong runner" or a "happy runner"...you get the picture. I sweat and whine. A lot.

I get home from work and I get suited up with the proper running capris, tank and-this is the part where everything started to go terribly wrong-a new sports bra. You see, I have 1 sports bra that keeps my throw pillows from flopping about-and everyone knows that "flopping" is the number one cause of running injuries, right? I had planned a short run and I didn't really think that a new sports bra would make much of a difference. Now I know that I was terribly, horribly, ridiculously WRONG. Oh, and I forgot to put a few swipes of Body Glide on the inside of my thighs because "there's just no way that they'll burst into flames on such a short run. Ha. Ha. He. Ho. Ha." Look at me, I'm an idiot.

After the first mile I was hurting a bit. Actually, I was hurting a lot and I kept telling myself to just push through it...fight the power and all that inspirational BS. Coming into my second mile is when I started to feel the tingle of 9th degree burns along the straps of my sports bra. Um, ouch. Then it actually started to IGNITE. I felt like every time I swung my arms that my skin was being dragged across sand paper and doused with lemon juice and a pinch of salt just to add insult to injury. Just as I started to realize that the pain around my arms was not getting any better the inside of my thighs started to sizzle. And by "sizzle" I mean "catch on fire". Oh my.

The good thing about this was that I forgot about the pain from my shins. Another good thing that I learned was that I will NEVER go for any length of run EVER again without Body Glide and a sports bra that fits me well. The bad thing? My inner thighs and my underarm area looked like I had some mutated form of leprosy. I'm a disgusting specimen of womanhood. Avert your eyes.

The Universe Has Been Kind To Me

My horoscope yesterday was right on, people. I had one of the best runs to date last night. My shins didn't start bothering me until about mile 2 and I kept going for another 1/2 mile. I've broken through the barrier! I'm not walking like Frankenstein today either which is huge bonus. People tend to look at me funny when I walk like that...it's starting to give me a slight complex.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm still not feeling like I could train for a marathon or anything that crazy. I still ache a bit. I did purchase some Sports creme this morning to slather on my feet and shins...it says it's "odorless". We'll see about that. I wonder if I put it on while I'm running if it will numb the pain emanating from my shins? That's probably not one of the best ideas I've had...it's by far not the worst though.

Trust me on that one.

I am starting to feel slightly geriatric in between the large doses of Advil, the Sports creme, having to ice various parts of my body, and the limp/hobble/whimper mix that I've been doing for the last 9 weeks. Does every new runner go through this? Is it just me in my pathetic effort to finally become an athlete? And while we're at it...How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

The world may never know.

My Horoscope For Today

"Pisces: This is a super day to go out and do something that involves a lot of high energy. "

Like running?

Running involves high energy.

Oh, yes it does.

Clearly, this is my day to shine!

What?

It has to be the truth, my horoscope said it was.

Keepin' It Real

See Melanie run! Run, Melanie, Run!

Or hobble, limp, and cry...whichever comes more naturally.

This is proof that I'm actually running. This is also proof that I'm in pain while I run and it also demonstrates why I needed to buy Body Glide for my combustable thighs. Alicia was in this picture also but this is about my humiliation, right? I don't need to post a potentially embarassing photo of her and lose my closest friend. You can thank me later, Lish, for cropping you out.

Look at my face...What possesses someone to do something that causes that expression?

Remember to shield the children from this sight. Spare the innocent, I beg you!

Panic Attacks And Pride

Hey.

Remember how I freaked out about The Rose Run being less than 100 days away?

Remember how I tried to talk myself out of giving up and resigning myself to the ranks of Quittersville?

Then maybe you also remember the fact that Alicia and I have decided to do the Dexter/Ann Arbor 5K on May 31st of this year.

That is 2 weeks away, my eager friends.

I don't like to swear...wait, that's a lie...oh shit. I know that I can run 2 miles straight without dropping over in some sort of seizure induced by running but a 5K is just over 3 miles. I haven't run that far yet. I can't even begin to wrap my ever delusional mind around that distance. You know, I read article after article about people that run marathons and I'm amazed at their athletic prowess. I 'ooh' and 'aah' over the fact that they are so hydrated they have to stop and pee in bushes every hour, I find the fact that they have blackened toenails or missing toenails really gross but in a "grrr, I eat people like you for breakfast" kind of way, but most of all I read about or talk to people who run anything over 2 miles a day and I feel like a loser of epic proportion.

Oh jeez, I totally suck.

But you know what? I don't care. I don't care how bad I suck or how many 95 year old women with bad hearts pass me.

Well...maybe I care a little bit. I haven't had a full-blown panic attack just yet. I've actually never had one of those to my knowledge but shoot; this is as good as any time to try one on for size.

With all my luck I'll have an attack the minute the run starts and The Sprite will have to kick me in the shins to get my butt going. Maybe if she ran in front of me with a bottle of wine...Hmm...

8 Essential Jogging Tips

1. Loosen up first. The ideal method is to throw back at least 2 glasses of red wine. If the urge to jog persists, double the loosening exercise.

2. Check your resting pulse. If you can't find your pulse, check the pulse of a loved one. This is sometimes called "playing doctor" and, with any luck, will take your mind completely off running.

3. Never run if you are a short person (Clearly, I have not listened to this advice). Short persons (Ahem...I am not short, I am "vertically challenged".) are built too close to automobile exhaust pipes. The noxious fumes get into their brains and make them crazy and they try to bite buses, which can be pretty dicey, especially if the bus has not stopped.

4. Always wear - a) a sports bra, and b) a jockstrap. (Whichever applies to your "situation".). The worst jogging injuries result from flopping. Never wear both at once. At least not in public.

5. Children often taunt passing joggers. After a while, you will become accustomed to this and even grow to enjoy it, especially if you carry a golf putter and whack taunting children across the back of the head with it.

6. Dogs can be a threat. If a huge, vicious dog charges you and lunges at your throat, say "Down, boy!". If that doesn't work, show him your membership card from the Humane Society or the golf putter mentioned above..

7. Set your own pace. If you black out after five minutes, you are probably running too fast. If workman from the city come by and paint you green, you may be running too slow.

8. After jogging, check your pulse rate again. This time if you can't find it, you are quite possibly dead. Look at it this way: your corpse is sure in great shape.

Credits: Prairie Inn Harriers running club, Text copyright © by Prairie Inn Harriers running club.

A Poke In the Eye Would Feel Better

Medial Tibial Syndrome, the proper medical name for shin splints, struck me down with a vengeance last night on my run. It's described in Wikipedia as a "painful condition in the shins".

Uh huh.

Painful is an understatement and for anyone that has had this condition, you know how absolutely suckish it is. On top of the pain I was angry at myself for doing something to cause this stupid condition...was it my stride? Was I landing too hard on my heels? Did I tie my shoes too tight? Were the running gods TRYING to make this sport even more unappealing to me?

My original plan was to run 2 1/2 miles last night and I only made it to 1 1/2 because the burning pain in my shins got so bad it actually brought tears to my eyes. Yes, running has finally brought me to weep. The pain was so intense at one point I wanted to lie down on the sidewalk and hope that someone would eventually come looking for me, preferably with a vehicle or wheelchair. I managed to haul my butt back to the house and to the freezer where I grabbed the first 2 bags of frozen vegetables I saw-edamame and green beans-and applied them directly to my shins. There is nothing like using a Japanese frozen veggie to alleviate pain. Trust me. I left them on until I could no longer feel my shins but the minute I took the cold compresses off the pain returned.

Well, that's downright discouraging.

How, may I ask you, am I going to run a 5K or even up the stairs with shin splints? I'm seriously starting to doubt myself here. Am I insane to think that my body...the body that has never been a runner...the body that is clearly not doing well with this whole running thing...can really do this?

I need some Advil. Stat.

Watch Out Chuck Norris!

I lifted last night. I'm not talking about lifting a fork to my mouth either. I lifted free weights or dumbbells...whichever you prefer. Now, I know that this blog is all about my running issues and/or mental issues but I did mention somewhere below...um...maybe a few posts before this one...that I was going to integrate strength training into my schedule.

Yes, I know that was at least 2 weeks ago. I like to take my time making these types of committments. Remember: I don't like pain and it's good buddy, fatigue. No, I don't. Say it with me!

I used a video that has been on my shelf for quite some time. It's part of *The Beach Body Series and is led by Tony Horton and his crew. The specific video is the Power 90 strength training section which is 30 minutes long. I did it and I lived to tell about it. As a matter of fact, I'm going to use heavier weights next time because the 5 pound ones that I used are much too light for a woman of my strength and superior fitness level.

Oh, I can tell you are impressed.

Now I'm sore and I'm walking kind of like Frankenstein after he had one too many drinks at the local pub. Will the pain ever end? I'm planning on a run tonight...depending on if I feel like I haven't just been run over by a zamboni driven by a rabid monkey.

*Beach Body and Tony Horton have no idea who I am nor do they care what I'm doing. I'm not trying to sell anything and I'm not an official spokesperson for anyone or anything that I write about on my tiny little blog. The products that I mention on here are just products that I happen to like or in this case, have a love/hate relationship with. I feel so much better...I'm totally purged of responsibility.

Inspiration

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Somebody Stop Me

I've really lost it. My mind is gone and I don't remember where I put it. Why, you ask, have I deemed myself "crazy"? I'll tell you why...

I'm running the Dexter/Ann Arbor 5K on May 31st AND I convinced The Sprite, aka Alicia, to run it with me.

My reasoning? To see if I can actually make it through the 5K without throwing up, cramping up, giving up and/or dying. It was the trip to the shoe store that did me in. Oh, Running Fit you sneaky thing! All the shiny postcards about running events with full color pictures of happy, bouncy runners on them sucked me right in. Somewhere in the twisted, ridiculously over-confident recesses of my mind I figured that I should actually run in one of the events prior to The Rose Run.

Yeah, good idea, Mel.

Then I realized that I had picked up a second postcard for a trail run. I think I picked it up only because it was purple and had a cute name...Flirt With Dirt. After all, purple is my favorite color. The run is on a dirt trail and starts/finishes on top of the sledding hill at a park. It sounds painful so why am I so intrigued? WHY? This is more evidence that proves beyond a doubt that I've lost it. Now, I haven't quite mentioned this run to The Sprite yet so let's keep this in between you and I, okay? I'm hoping that we do so well on the Dexter/Ann Arbor 5K that she'll agree to this one. Either that or I'll end up throwing in my running shoes for good and drowning my sorrows in a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

I have exactly 4 weeks from today to convince my body that it can and will run 3.1 miles without stopping or passing out.