One Reason My Daughter Is So Strange

I didn't get to hear this conversation first hand, unfortunately, but The Sprite (remember the Sprite...my bestie and running partner?) told me about it after the fact.

Scene: Megan just got home from gymnastics and is still in her leotard. She's playing in the front yard with the neighbor kids. The adults are standing nearby talking. The Sprite's brother in law, we'll call him Bobo, is there and says to Megan who is wearing her leotard:

Bobo: "Hey, Meg...are you leotarded?"

Meg: *blank stare* (She learned that from her mama...)

Just one of the many examples of how my friends and I have managed to warp my daughter into the weirdo she is today.

Everyone Loves Cookies!

Observe: The Fetus Cookie Cutter

Just think how cute this little fetus cookie cutter would be at your next oh...baby shower or bake sale!

The finished product! I would personally frost them pink and give them a red licorice umbilical cord. Nothing says "eat us!" more than a sugar cookie shaped as a fetus.

*retch*

Excessive Peppiness Makes Me Want To Punch Puppies

Seriously.

Have you ever had one of those days or even weeks when you're just tired or grumpy or perhaps both? I happen to be having one of those this very week!

Well, for some reason there seems to be some kind of gravitational pull or Newton's Law or full moon or some crap happening that makes me a freaking magnet for shiny, happy people. Gosh it makes me want to just scream! What is it about me that makes people want to say things like:

Peppy Person: "How are you today?!"

Me: *blank stare*

Peppy Person: (Ignoring my stare of death) "I'm just super! My life is perfect...I just got a promotion and a corner office with floor to ceiling windows....my husband was just nominated for Mr. sexy-sensitive-let's-me-sleep-in-while-he-takes-care-of-the-kids-and-cooks-gourmet-dinners-and-gives-me-foot-massages-without-expecting-sex. OH! Did I mention that I just got all new furniture and lost 40 pounds and received Botox?! I DID!"

Me: *crawling under my desk*

It's times like this when I wish I had a trap door in front of my desk that opened to a vat of angry alligators. Just the push of a button and.....ahhhhhh...peace and quiet.

What are these people on?!? More importantly...where can I get some?

And The Hits Keep Comin'...

Megan: "Mama, did you know that Nicole has fake toenails on?"

Me: "Yes, sweetie."

Megan: "That's just freaky...."




Yes, yes it is.

The "F" Bomb

Megan and I are standing in the kitchen last night and she starts singing the song "I Want To Be A Billionaire"...you know the song? No?

There's a line in it that says: "I want to be a billionaire so fricking bad..."

Only *I* always thought that the guy says: "I want to be a billionaire so f*ck!ng bad..."

Yes, I know, I'm charming AND ladylike all at the same time.

And that's EXACTLY what I thought Megan said...my 7 year old pretty, pretty princess dropped the freaking "F" bomb right in front of me.

That's the moment that I ran fuming to the garage in search of The Detective for an explanation of exactly WHY my pretty, pretty princess just said above mentioned word. To which he replied...through laughter, I might add...that the song does not drop the bomb but in fact says "fricking".

Oh.

Well, that's bad enough for me. Let's just say she will not be repeating the "F" bomb or any form of the "F" bomb ever again.

Adventures with Thing 1 and Thing 2 or The Rose Run 2010

The 2nd annual Rose Run was awesome, everyone! There were several more runners/walkers this year than last which means more support for The Breast Cancer Research Foundation! Just like last year, there was a beautiful balloon release as the starting gun went off and in my mind I could imagine Rose looking down on our small town of Petersburg, smiling and shaking her head saying: "All this because of me?" That's just how she was for those of you who didn't have the honor of knowing her personally.

How did *I* do? Hmm...it was so hot that day that I have now seriously started to consider having the sweat glands removed from my armpits. Yes, I just said that. I do not glisten, folks...I sweat like Kwame Kilpatrick when someone mentions strippers named Strawberry. Uh-huh.

Pair the humidity and heat with two 7 year olds named Thing 1 (Meg, my daughter) and Thing 2 (Nate, my nephew) and you have a recipe for disaster. After about the first 1/2 mile my lovely, athletic daughter starts whining about how hot she is, if we're close to being done, how she's tired, and how she needs to eat RIGHT now because she's "eeee-sausted". Meanwhile my nephew decides that I cannot live one more second without knowing, IN DETAIL, how many scabs he's had in his lifetime and how they occurred. The boy can talk. FAST.

At this point, I look over and see my little sister...Nate's mom....shouting out the times as we run by mile marker 1. Yes, you read that right....MILE MARKER FREAKING 1. This is a 5K y'all. I have 2.1 more miles to go with Thing 1 and Thing 2 and I've already started to consider what would happen if I just broke into a sprint and left them behind. I mean, it's a small town. Everyone knows who they belong to, right? RIGHT??

*sigh*

I think I vaguely remember telling Meg to "suck it up" and asking Nate to "Please slow down the chatter"....to which he responded by literally slowing down his chatter. No matter what age men seem to be literal creatures, eh? At that point, Meg turned into a floppy spaghetti noodle and was almost run over by the golf cart that was herding the runners through the course. Great.

I sure do love those little critters but I have NEVER been so happy to see a finish line in my life, people.

The 2nd Annual Rose Run 5K

It's that time of the year again....Community Day and The Rose Run is THIS Saturday! For those of you who don't know what that is; it's a 5K that was started last year in honor of my friend's mother, Rose, who lost her battle with breast cancer in January of 2009. Last year, my hometown of Petersburg Michigan, raised over $10,000.00 for breast cancer research and this year promises to be bigger and better. This is the run that inspired me to start running...this year has been sporadic running at best but still...Here is a link to one of my very first blog posts explaining why I started running and blogging.

The Detective will be running this year also. I've chosen to be a more social creature and run/walk this year.

STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT. It's not that I can't run it...I'm just choosing to keep myself from being a sweaty mess of stink since I have to work at a booth after the run for Expressing Motherhood.

SO SUE ME.

Anyone interested in a 5K that lives near southeast Michigan is welcome to come out and register the day of the run, Saturday, July 17th! For more information go to: www.theroserun.com

I Just Drank WHAT?!?

Mountain Dew has brominated vegetable oil in it.

That's vegetable oil with a twist of the element bromine added to it. Brominated vegetable oil is added to citrus flavored drinks to keep fat-soluble flavors (YUM!) suspended in the beverage and to produce a cloudy appearance.

I just drank vegetable oil mixed with fat-soluble flavors!

Seriously?

I will NEVER drink another Moutain Dew for as long as I live. NEVER.

Did you hear that PepsiCo?!? DID YOU?!?

Please excuse me while I go cleanse my system with copious amounts of vegetable oil free WATER.